UnNews:Lingerie Football a big hit in America but draws the ire of PETA and NOW
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
2 October 2011
West Hollywood, California --American football has been called “A mirror of early America, reflecting toughness, courage and self denial” by the late, legendary sports broadcaster John Facenda but a new version of this pastime has raised a bit more than just eyebrows in recent years. While the National Football League features scantily clad cheerleaders on the sidelines, the Lingerie Football League features women in bras, panties and garters playing full contact tackle football on the field. Starting in 2003 as an alternative, pay-per-view, Super Bowl halftime special which drew millions of viewers in 85 countries, the LFL has since become a full fledged league with 12 teams.
NOW Is Not Amused
Predictably, the sport has been derided as nothing more than “pernicious objectification” by the National Organization Of Women. “A woman has been reduced to nothing more than just a receiver who streaks down the field for the purpose of getting a ball in an end zone” exclaims NOW spokesperson Teri O’Neil. “Millions of men watch this spectacle and pray for a wardrobe malfunction or the sight of semi-naked women piled on top of each other. They are rarely disappointed because these girls have a clause in their contract that states that they knowingly and willfully agree to accidental nudity”.
PETA Objects With Object
Recent additions to the game include changing the familiar “red zone” near an opponents goal line to the “pink zone”. Other changes include the introduction of live animals, featuring the common house cat and the North American beaver, to replace the familiar, oblong shaped football - drawing the condemnation of People For The Ethical Treatment Of Animals. “It’s bad enough that these wonderful creatures are being abused for this sport but they’re also shaving these kitties and they’re dunking these beavers into a lubricant too” decries PETA spokesperson Pamela Anderson. “I would never shave my pussy nor get my beaver wet in order to gratify a bunch of drooling men and neither should they”. Anderson also mentioned PETA's latest plan to promote veganism and denounce mammalian exploitation by launching a pornographic website "I find a cucumber to be far more satisfying than eating a tube steak" added Anderson.
LFL Responds
LFL spokesman and commissioner Mitch Morteza is quick to point out that “A shaved pussy is far more sensitive to the player’s touch and allows the fingers to more easily manipulate them, resulting in a higher level of performance. It also enhances the spectators experience when they see a quarterback drill a pussy down into the pink zone with skill and accuracy”. As to why the league would insist on preparing a beaver for play with the application of a lubricant, Morteza responded “It actually makes it far more difficult than NFL football. I’d like to see Peyton Manning or Tom Brady lube up their balls and nail a tight end deep into the end zone. These girls are professionals. Besides, a beaver is far more comfortable with penetrating a soft fold in the defense when it's wet.”
Player Responses
LFL players are far more vociferous in their responses to the controversy. “We don’t need no balls 'round here” said Los Angeles Temptation linebacker Candy Samples - The LFL's current career sacks and forced fumble leader. “I loves to hit on that quarterback, make that girl go down and get that beaver to squirt out when I fist it”. Minnesota Valkyrie kicking specialist Thumper Downes has been playing for the league since it’s inception and she defends the use of cats during special teams play. “Cats are far more aerodynamic and you can count on them to land on their feet. You also don’t have to worry about them bouncing into the end zone on a punt and they tend to run away from the kick returner too”.
Fans Still Come
Fans are certainly not adverse to the new aspects of the sport as attendance has soared since the recent changes. “I came an awful lot last year and I’m just gonna keep coming again and again and again” said an unidentified man. Call it a just a fad or a spunky phenomenon but the LFL appears to be here to stay.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Kate Torgovnick "Is MTV2′s “Lingerie Football League” Totally Disgusting?" The Frisky, August 24, 2011