UnNews:Lindsay Lohan is sent to Guantanamo

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

22 July 2010

"I'm looking forward to serving America," says Lindsay Lohan. She wears the famous Guantanamo orange coloured jumpsuit to show her patriotic support for the War on Terror. Also, notice how her skin is the same color as her jumpsuit.

GUANTANAMO, Cuba -- Actress Lindsay Lohan is to be transferred to Guantanamo prison in Cuba to assist the American war effort, sources close to the troubled celebrity said today.

The controversial star of films..[quick! check IMDB] and friend of many famous celebrities, Lohan is currently in a Californian jail serving time for breaking the terms of her probation after she was earlier convicted of numerous 'upskirt' offences and seen carousing with an ill looking British lesbian Samantha Ronson. Now her friends say that in a dramatic bid to revive her reputation, Lohan has volunteered to serve her sentence in the maximum security prison at Guantanamo and help break suspected Al-Quaeda and Taliban detainees.

Lindsay says she wants to help her country and if it means spending time with a load of bearded blokes and suicide bombers, she's prepared to take the risk, said the answer machine message received at the UnNews newsroom. I...sorry, we as friends of Lindsay think that attempts at waterboarding, sexual humiliation, blind folding and playing Miley Cyrus's latest album have all failed to make the prisoners confess. Once they see the lovely me..er..Lindsay, then these bad guys will realise it's a hopeless fight and plead guilty. God Bless America.

Lohan's friend also added that as an expert at 'going commando' in public and stripping off for magazines to show off her freckled body, Lindsay will drive a sexual wedge of frustration once the other inmates in the prison see and smell her. Even though Lohan is officially bisexual and therefore doubly damned in the eyes of religious extremists at the prison, watching Lohan walking around prison in the orange jumpsuit with the zip well down will make them realise that there is more to life than death.. A second answer machine message added:-

If some of then try to escape and get shot down in the attempt, it will at least save money for the long suffering American tax payers like me..like Lindsay.

Prison officials in charge of the Guantanamo detention centre say they have not received any official confirmation that Lindsay Lohan will be going there. They said that if they could choose a suitable actress to get psychologically at the men in there, their choice would be either Rosie O'Donnell or Megan Fox or a combination of the two like Joan Rivers.

Sources

• Staff "Lindsay Lohan to serve only nine days in prison" The Sun, 07 22 2010