UnNews:Let us look forward for a change
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
17 May 2013
Dear reader! You will have to forgive me. I will direct most of this editorial to my fellow UnNews editors. You may feel indignation at this flagrant misuse of UnNews space. You think I should have reconciled the differences within our crew somewhere else. There is something to that, agreed - but it is not the whole truth. While this editorial is, indeed, written to patch the worn-out fabric of UnNews collaboration, it will also serve as a fountain of wisdom others may find useful. So, bear with me and keep reading. You will most likely come up a new person, enlightened and free of many troubles that now seem to weigh on you heavier than a hundred years' worth of badly-written Uncyclopedia articles. Without further ado - let the editorial proper take the grandstand.
Friends - what I told you earlier about the time of reckoning is not actually very accurate. I'm not so sure we need to reckon anything yet. I do think we'll need to stand as a united front against the world, that's true - but to impose it - never. I'm not the man to do that. I understand each and every one of you. Most of you mean well, and - I don't know how to put this - I love all of you. In a brotherly way. There is nothing wrong with that, is there? I think you will agree when you reflect upon it.
We have had some hard times. I have, perhaps, been among the main culprits in these deplorable arguments, edit wars, even fights. Bans. That one time I lost a couple of teeth. Perhaps I have even been one of the great dividers of our forces! You are probably amazed that I should so easily shake off my former haughtiness and approach you with such a humble statement. It is, of course, a surprise. But believe me when I say: I hold UnNews to be the most important factor in anything we may be doing around each other. Understand this: while you may feel bitter, disappointed, frustrated, and sometimes even mentally raped, treated like shit by me - it is by far the best course of action to take my metaphorical hand and let bygones be bygones. We have a news service to run.
You may still feel unconvinced. You cannot be certain I will be as good as my word this time, either. You think back and still grow all white with rage when you remember me scoring with your girlfriend in that huge party when you had passed out. Let me ask you: what would you have done in my place? This chick practically pushes it in my face and says: "Love me, I'm all yours." I am only human, mind you. Get an uglier girlfriend for the next party. Drink less. Refrain from snorting half an ounce of blitzkrieg grade meth on top of all that booze.
So, my friends - can I still call you that? I have my faults, you have yours. Together we can change the world. All it takes is a little faith.