UnNews:Last shred of Bob Woodward's integrity disappears in sinkhole
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
1 March 2013
WASHINGTON D.C. -- As the austerity storm that has engulfed Europe hits American shores, yet another freak natural disaster has occurred: The last shred of Bob Woodward's journalistic integrity has been sucked into a sinkhole and is believed to be dead.
According to Capitol Hill officials, this is the second time an event of this magnitude has occurred. After being defeated by George W. Bush in the 2000 GOP presidential primaries, Senator John McCain's integrity was quickly sucked into a sinkhole, causing John McCain to lash out against everyone who has inhabited the White House since.
Bob Woodward's integrity seems to have suffered the same fate, leaving the once respected newsman a hollow shell of a man that distorts facts while attempting to defame anyone who gets more attention than he does. The Federal Emergency Management Agency has advised against any news agency from inviting Bob Woodward onto any program, for with him may follow the sinkhole which is believed to be biding its time until it can claim the integrity of another once respectable public servant.
Some reports indicate the White House economic adviser Gene Sperling attempted to warn Woodward about the integrity sinkhole in an email sent last weekend:
| “ | I apologize for raising my voice in our conversation today. My bad. But you have to understand that what you're doing is dangerous. You know you are lying about the POTUS's position on the sequester, and you know about the sinkhole that eradicated every particle of John McCain's credibility and virtue. Remember that? Now all he does is lie. If you aren't careful and don't retract your erroneous claims, we fear you will join him in his crazy tirades about government cover-ups on Sunday morning talk shows. Please Bob, don't let that sinkhole do that to you.
I'm worried about you, Bob. You know I'm your friend, and the President holds a deep respect for you and how you bravely stood against Nixon's thugs in the 70s. Please be safe. |
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Unfortunately, Bob Woodward did not heed the warning, went to Politico, and claimed the White House "threatened" him. That is when officials believe the sinkhole found Bob Woodward's integrity and sucked it down into oblivion.
Bob Woodward's integrity is survived by Carl Bernstein, who starred alongside Bob Woodward's journalist integrity in the Oscar award-winning film All the President's Men.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Unaccredited "Tampa area man swallowed by sinkhole" Associated Press, March 1st, 2013
- Jack Mirkinson "Bob Woodward To Hannity: I Never Called WH Email A 'Threat,' But It Was A 'Coded You Better Watch Out' (VIDEO)" Huffington Post, February 28th, 2013