UnNews:Kim Kardashian uses helium-inflated bottom to rescue comet lander

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Friday, November 14, 2014

There is a picture online of Kim Kardashian showing her naked oiled buttocks to the camera. This is not that picture.

Just imagine for a moment the ironically named Old White Man, the Crow Indian who posed for this picture, perhaps without really understanding the nature of photography, or how long his image would last.

Do you think he ever envisioned, as European settlers swarmed around him, that a culture would one day be born in which a woman famous only for having a big backside rose vertically through the sky to land on a comet?

American film star, pop star, model, celebrity Kim Kardashian has confounded critics who said she served no earthly purpose - by using her helium-inflated backside to rescue the European Space Agency's Rosetta comet mission.

Philae, the spacecraft's "lander" - the part of the craft that makes contact with the comet - was desperately low on battery life, and experts feared that the mission would be tragically curtailed.

However, this morning Kardashian announced via Twitter that she had decided to use her painfully swollen, artificial ass for the good of humanity. With her husband Kanye West filming a short Vine video, the 34-year-old - who rose to fame after telling an unknown rapper to "come on her face" in a porn video - stretched out her arms and rose vertically into the sky, like Ian McKellen's Magneto.

Kardashian touched down on the comet just seven minutes later, and replaced its AAA batteries with two she had taken from her television remote. The mission's leaders are now confident that a great deal of interesting rock facts will be generated by the probe.

Kardashian remains in the comet's orbit, for reasons which are not yet clear, but when she comes back to the earth, she is sure to attract huge attention - even more than that time she wore that dress to that thing.

Richard Branson has already expressed an interest in using her to make Virgin Galactic space travel "less explodey".