UnNews:Kids getting dumber

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

25 September 2007

In June Jerry Springwater's IQ was 108. By September it had dropped to 85. Jerry now faces a future in the service industry; he's too dumb to be scared.

WICKENBURG, Arizona -- Kids returning to class after summer break appear to be stupider than they were before their two-month long vacation. Teachers, faced with classes full of dull children, are "...not looking forward to spending one more soul crushing day smartening the bastards up." says Gerald Rose, a math teacher at Mount Rose High School, on condition of anonymity.

"Summer break clearly has a negative effect on the intelligence of the little hellions." lamented a chain-smoking, shooter-drinking Linda Glazinski, Wickenburg High School's eighth grade Spanish instructor, at the Three R's Bar & Grill last Friday. "Every damn year, it's the same damn thing; we spend an entire school year cramming their heads full of knowledge, then we let them go for the summer and they come back in the fall with dull, vacant eyes..."

"Yeah, the worst is when they stare at you with those beady, soulless eyes." acknowledged John Jameson, a phys-ed instructor at Ed Asner Memorial Secondary School, before paying for his beer and slouching back to his table.

"I know what you mean." agreed Barry Johnson, Vice Principal at Truman High School, between shots of Jack Daniels. "It's like they spend two whole months having fun, or something."

"We've had them back for almost a month now, and we're just getting back to where we were last February." continued Linda after knocking back several shots of Wild Turkey. "Granted, at $27,500 a year my heart isn't really in to it either. My career councilor in high school said that I should go into education...fucker."

Children across the nation, meanwhile, just want to play on the Wii or run around outside.