UnNews:Kidnapper Michael Devlin was President of local Mac User Group
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
16 January 2007
Missouri Kidnapper Michael Devlin was President of Local Mac User Group
ST LOUIS, Missouri -- The mystery of why kidnapped boy Shawn Hornbeck never sought help or knew people were looking for him has been solved. While Michael Devlin allowed Shawn to browse the Internet, the Safari browser on his Mac G5 was unable to render the page his parents put up pleading for his safe return.
"Shawn Devlin did Google himself several times", said Victor P. Biggerstaff, head of the local FBI office, "but the Safari browser he was using didn't show the pages properly, so Shawn thought nobody cared about him."
Michael Devlin was committed to his Macintosh. In addition to loving young boys, he also worshipped Steve Jobs.
"Just like rap music and crack, Pedophilia and Mac users go hand in hand" said Mr. Biggerstaff. "In fact, if someone uses a Mac and Java, it's a near certainty that they like little boys--or girls. Alternative platforms and alternative lifestyles. One leads to another."
Michael Devlin planned all the activities and speakers for his Mac users group. Last week, they discussed how to meet young boys in iChat, complete with live demonstrations. He also invited a cub scout troop over to see a demonstration of the Newton.
Next month, he was planning to invite Java pioneer Patrick Naughton to talk about Java and the Macintosh.
"We need to find a new president," said Jason Pansy, Vice President of the Missouri Young Men's Mac Users Group. Without Michael's expert leadership, I don't know what I'll do! And his two boys were a great help," Pansy added. "He used them to model all the latest iPod accessories."
Earlier this year, Michael Devlin conducted a Ram Pod workshop, introducing Mac users to this new way of enjoying your iPod. "I'm still remembering that one," said Mr. Pansy, as he rubbed his rear end.