UnNews:Jehovah's Witness dies in freak praying accident

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

24 May 2006

When you pray to a God like this, you have to expect an element of danger.

HAMPTON NH -- Terry Gristlesandwich, a devout Jehovah's Witness for 17 years, died today in a freak praying accident in this quiet suburb of Boston. He'd been going door-to-door with comrades, converting the wicked, when his soul was suddenly tainted by an accidental blood transfusion during prayer. Twenty minutes later, he exploded in Sacred Calf Hindu Hospital's Emergency Room.

Non-Jehovah's Witnesses described the scene as alternately horrifying and satisfying. "I was waiting with my son, who'd been bitten by his skink [an extinct lizard], when there was a big "whoosh", followed by a spray of minced intestines. It was horrible!", said Soren Kirkegaard from Holden. "Then I realized, that wierdo wouldn't be showing up at my door, prostheletyzing and yammering about Jesus any more, so I was quite pleased."

Gristlesandwich was reportedly praying with a small group of psychos when he cut both his hands on the edge of his Watchtower tract. The blood from one hand mixed with that of the other, which is technically blood transfusion", according to JW's. In accordance with their bizarre beliefs, the mixing of blood resulted in a crirical failure of his soul and a catastrophic explosion.

Services will be held this evening at the "Dick Hertz From Holden Kingdom Hall", 158 Belching Avenue , Lesbian, NH Mourners are requested to leave critical thinking at home.

Sources

• Pat Morita "Exploding Jehovah's Witnesses: A Festive Addition For Your Parties" The Rotter, December 18, 1812