UnNews:J.K. Rowling receives first payment of royalties for her new novel; does not notice

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

11 October 2012

Rowling at a book signing, totally unaware she just became richer than any member of the royal family - even adjusted for inflation.

SCOTLAND, England -- The infamous creator of the Harry Potter series, J.K. Rowling, has been paid the first set of royalties for her new erotic novel The Casual Vacancy. When we asked Ms Rowling to comment on the book's success and her ever-growing wealth, the novelist implied she had not been made aware she had received the payment, but was "joyous" at its success.

"I'm on a 6 month sabbatical on a private island in the Seychelles at the moment. When I return in March, I will check with my accountant. I've never really been a big fan of material possessions so the money isn't a big deal to me," Rowling declared whilst sipping a Legacy cocktail, made from cognacs from the 18th century and served in a glass frosted with gold dust. "This place has gone to the dogs you know? When we first came here after The Philosopher's Stone it was completely unspoilt. Now, there's a bloody villa on the neighbouring island!"

The Scottish concept of what it means to be rich.

Rowling, who wrote the Harry Potter series while living off welfare cheques, made headlines last year when she bought Edinburgh Castle and covered it in diamonds. Famously private, she has never let anybody inside, but rumours abound about the luxury found within. The castle is said to feature 4 bedrooms, (including 2 doubles), one bathroom with a shower and another with a bathtub, a writing room with pens and paper of every colour, and a money room, filled halfway to the ceiling with golden doubloons, in which Rowling is said to dive every morning. The idea sent the Caledonian rumour mill spinning last year when the speculation began. While Americans might dream of a house on the beach in California, for Scottish people, the archetypal image of wealth is of a miserly duck leaping into a pool of money.

The jury is out as to whether Rowling will be able to maintain her lavish lifestyle with her latest series of books, which represent quite a change of style from tales of wizards and quidditch. The Casual Vacancy tells the tale of a frustrated temp whose life is suddenly turned upside down by a steamy, sado-masochistic affair with her local meat butcher. When pressed about the likelihood of another adult novel, Rowling said, "There is very little money floating around in the book business. I might just concentrate on the adaptation. You know how you used to get a kid and adult version of the Harry Potter books? We are trying to work out a way to make two Casual Vacancy movies - a pornographic and non-pornographic one."