UnNews:Israel pledges more AIDS to Gaza

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

27 April 2008

In light of recent media criticism of Israel’s humanitarian treatment of the legally inhabited territories, the Israeli government have unveiled their controversial, yet entirely reasonable plans to increase Assorted Important Domestic Supplies (AIDS) to Gaza. This decision was reached unanimously by Prime Minister Ehud Olmert in his private residence at 3:45am on Thursday, according to one Dominos pizza delivery boy who brought him the usual 14 inch pepperoni with extra cheese, potato wedges, Doritos and Coke that he famously gets cravings for when writing major policy alone in his office.

Reactions to this plan have been diverse amongst the Members of Knesset (Israel's answer to a legal system), some of whom feel like this has snuck up from behind and taken them by surprise. Disgraced rapist Moshe Katsav commented that he was unhappy about not being included in the decision, as the topic of humanitarian AIDS is very close to his heart, and he prefers to be the giver of news rather than the receiver, although recent Youtube footage has suggested that he likes it both ways.

Foreign Secretary Tzipi Livni has welcomed the idea with open arms. She said “It is our responsibility as a country with such resources to pass them on to those who have not yet enjoyed their benefits. There have previously been talks about the Human Interest Vaccination (HIV) we have available to lay the foundations for development in less fortunate areas. We feel that if we can inject HIV into tight spots found in places such as Gaza, hopefully that will progress into more AIDS for its inhabitants.”

Ehud Olmert was unavailable for comment due to his commitments following Australian Pink Floyd on their tour of the Middle East, but his press officer has released this statement to clarify the rationale behind why Israel is paradoxically increasing AIDS supply to Gaza:

“Despite the major security risk posed by the militant terrorist groups in Gaza, we feel that more effort should be made by Israel to relieve the suffering of innocent inhabitants. AIDS is perhaps one of the best ways to achieve this. Once we have fully integrated AIDS into the population of Gaza, we are confident that there will be more resources available per capita within a matter of months. Food will go a lot further than before, and once everybody has AIDS there is no real necessity to continue supplying medication and healthcare as people will not need it for much longer. The potential long-term financial and health benefits of giving Gaza more AIDS are very promising. We are currently contemplating extending yet another olive branch to the Harmful Anti-Messianic Alliance for Syphilis (HAMAS) by offering to give them AIDS as well. ”

The government have yet to unveil how exactly AIDS will be transmitted to Gaza, but there have been suggestions of using highly trained Covert Anti-Militia Police (CAMP) personnel to infiltrate the hairier factions of Gaza that are notoriously harder to reach and bring AIDS to them. This crack team is a subsidiary of the Standardised Terrorist Disarmament (STD) operation. Full details of the methods used by the CAMP teams are top-secret, but are thought to involve a member extending himself into the dangerous territories patrolled by HAMAS, often taking them unawares by sneaking in through back passages in order to bring AIDS to local people, as pertaining to STD protocol. The artillery used will obviously require a lot of thrust in order to penetrate these dangerous regions, and a leak has hinted at the use of the new King Nebuchanezzar Operational Bazooka (KNOB) in these missions. With any luck, the CAMP men will be able to use their KNOBs to transfer as much AIDS to Gaza as they can.

More to follow as Gaza gets more AIDS.