UnNews:Irish PM Kelly to repay national debt with charm
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
1 March 2011
DUBLIN, Ireland. The new Irish Prime Minister-elect says he will smile more and look less like a banker to help pay off Ireland's budget deficit.
Enda Kelly will be sworn in as the Irish Republic's new taoiseach[1] once the current occupant Brian Cowan pulls up his trousers and flushes after stinking out Ireland's international credit rating for the past few years. The recent election saw Kelly's party Fine Gael[2] trounce their old Irish Civil War rivals Finna Fail[3] but now the new face of Ireland has been told to 'turn on the charm' to help stave of national bankruptcy.
We have given the world Guinness, Irish pubs, green beer, Oscar Wilde, James Joyce and red-headed, fair-skinned maidens, said Kelly in a speech to friends. But what we'll never run out of is charm..so I say to the people of Ireland, go out and spread that all around whilst I work out what to do. Kelly said he would be going to the USA to take part in the St.Patrick' day parades to help my country.
Kelly then -with the help of party officials pulling at his cheeks- gave his broadest smile and added that he was the 'best looking Irish leader since Partition. He also said that the Central European Bank in Frankfurt would extend Ireland's overdraft once they caught sight of Kelly's professional smile.
Since 2008, the Irish economy which was once known as the Celtic Tiger[4] for it's supposed economic success has been lying dead on the floor, like a skinned animal. The Irish electorate punished Brian Cowan and his party for their inability to deal with the crisis which eventually saw Ireland go cap in hand, string for a belt and clothes once worn by a scarecrow to the IMF, the European Union and even Britain. Now Kelly says he change all that but admits that his first name may be confused with Edna and conjure up the image of the Australian comedian Barry Humphries as Dame Edna Everage. Kelly added:-
Enda and Edna - I can see the funny side. I am sure my charm and a man dressed up as a woman will get the whole world smiling about Ireland.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Staff "Ireland's party leaders haggle about formation of new government." Irish Times, March 01, 2011
- Staff "Irish economy is still tits up" The Economist, February 17, 2011