UnNews:Intelligent Designer identified, holed up in motel room
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
30 June 2006
ALBUQUERQUE, NM: Acting on tips from researchers in the fledgling science of Intelligent Design, federal law enforcement officials yesterday located and trapped the so-called "Intelligent Designer" in a Motel 6 just off US Route 66 in the New Mexican desert.
The Intelligent Designer, identified as Phineas J. Schwartzfeld (a 57-year-old Jewish-American immigrant wanted on a variety of criminal charges), has reportedly barricaded himself inside the cramped motel room, taken himself hostage, and has announced to the surrounding police squads that he is prepared to wait until Armageddon itself before he gives himself up.
Clues as to the existence of the Intelligent Designer were first uncovered in 1998 by Dr William Dembski (Phd., BA., MBA., MBTA., AAA., NAACP) while investigating the genome sequence of the common bacteria (E. coli). Dembski was shocked to discover that the basic functioning of the bacteria's cellular machinery was much too hard for him to understand, even though he possessed many academic degrees. After discovering the same traits in other entirely unrelated biological organisms, Dembski suspected foul play and immediately alerted the FBI to the possibility that some sort of supervillain was tampering with our DNA for sinister purposes.
As forensic evidence piled up over the last few years, police traced the footsteps of the notorious culprit across several western United States. The key piece of the puzzle was a small functioning watch found last week, half-buried in the sands of Pismo Beach. According to detailed laboratory tests, the watch's intricate gear mechanisms could not possibly have formed by the natural action of wind and waves. Investigators then combed the area for renegade watchmakers with experience in genetic engineering, of which the only one was Schwartzfeld, who suddenly fled from his trailer-park home in Phoenix on Wednesday afternoon when he sensed that the net was closing in.
Phineas Schwartzfeld, who wears a mask and a garish purple and green costume emblazoned with the letters "I" and "D", claims to be immortal and that he invented life, the universe, and everything else many thousands of years ago. He is currently wanted on several outstanding warrants for illegal firearm possession, littering, and substandard product assembly on platypuses, armadillos and New Hampshire's Old Man of the Mountain (a large geological sculpture which collapsed in 2003 due to inherent structural defects).
His next-door neighbour from the trailer park, Ms Eulalie Petronski, expressed disbelief when told of the manhunt, saying "Honey, I been livin' next to him for the last year, and trust me, he ain't no more intelligent than any other man." Although final results of intelligence tests have not yet been verified, speculation runs high that Schwartzfeld is, in fact, quite intelligent, perhaps to the point of having at least twice the intelligence of the renowned Dr Dembski.
Earlier this morning, Schwartzfeld demanded a helicopter, breakfast in bed, 200 more rounds of ammunition, and the withdrawal of the surrounding police cruisers and military tanks to a distance of at least 500 feet. Schwartzfeld also has threatened grievous bodily harm to all who oppose him, such as painful boils and raining down giant meteors from the sky (demonstrated an hour later when he hurled an intricately-carved pumice paperweight at them from his half-open window).
At this hour, negotiations are proceeding between the suspect, the FBI, and an emergency delegation flown in from the Discovery Institute, but do not look hopeful. In other news, clouds of fire, brimstone, and avenging angels armed with flaming swords were sighted above major cities and everywhere that possesses a widget, doodad, or iPod.