UnNews:In "60 Minutes" interview, Obama threatens war on the BCS
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
17 November 2008
WASHINGTON, D.C. (UNN) -- President-elect Barack Obama appeared on CBS' 60 Minutes to discuss–not the economy or War on Terror–but instead college football and the Bowl Championship Series (BCS), the scientific way to fuck over collegiate athletic programs. Following the taping of the interview, Obama spoke to the liberal sports media, and refused comment to a reporter from the "radical right," Fox Sports.
| “ | I believe that college football needs a change. The current BCS format for determining the best teams in the game is bullhonky. What do you think teams outside of the top 10 have to look forward to? There is no hope for teams that are not selected by one of George W. Bush's BCS computers. Say if Oklahoma has a 10–2 record, and no Big 12 division championship, they're gonna stay home. Or even Arkansas. They play in the toughest conference, the SEC. Maybe they can move into a new conference like the Mountain West and have a better shot. I mean you can put lipstick on a pig, but it's still woo pig sooie. | ” |
Obama reasons that a 'change' in the college football system will breathe new life into a depleted American spirit. In times of financial crisis and turmoil, Obama believes that those who can still afford to pay their television bills or even have homes to live in should turn to college football to give them a new sense of 'hope.'
| “ | The fans need to get fired up and ready to go about something. What do you think they'll do if their beloved team doesn't make it to the Fiesta or Orange Bowl? They might cling to guns and religion once their beloved Sooners, Gators, or Tigers are given the shaft. That's just wrong, and that's why I'm running for President of the–er–I am the President-elect of the United States. | ” |
Obama was elected President of the United States on November 4th after defeating "John McCain." Since then, Obama has already acted very Presidential and has avoided talking about the issues that matter to American citizens. Instead of working on his transition team, Obama has hung out in Chicago, and got a free tour of the White House from current President–and man he blames everything for–George W. Bush.
When asked of how many teams would participate in his "'New Deal' college football playoff", Obama reasoned that the conference champions of the Big Ten, Big 12, Big East, Pac-10, SEC, WAC, ACC, and Mountain West conferences should all obtain automatic bids to an eight-team tournament. Over a three-week period, games at neutral sites should be held to determine the best team in college football. However, the champions of Conference USA, Sun Belt and MAC conferences and Notre Dame should 'always be ignored,' said Obama.
| “ | Eight is enough. I don't want there to be so many teams that those sons of bitches at Ohio State sneak into the championship game again. Americans have had enough of George W. Bush and his senseless BCS format and it's time for a change. They say we can't change the BCS computer system, but I say yes we can with the proper technology. It is wasting tax payers money. Money that I should be taking away from the American people under my administration. | ” |
Obama was corrected by a staffer that Bush was not the one responsible for the BCS format, and Obama grinned widely to cover his mistake. The media quickly forgot about his gaffe because they're in love with the guy and his golden smile.
Obama will be inaugurated as President at 12:00 p.m. on January 20th, 2009, and he has set an ultimatum as to when the college football conference commissioners must make a decision on his plan (12:01 p.m. on January 20th). By then, of course, the 2008 NCAA Division I season would be over, as the BCS National Championship Game will have been played on January 8th.
Obama said he plans on meeting with the commissioners of the NCAA Division I football conferences without pre-conditions. War could be declared by the predominantly Democratic Congress as early as the morning of January 21st, that is, unless our country falls apart before then.
In related news, Obama plans on holding his weekly press briefing in a sold-out extravaganza at FedEx Field, home of the National Football League's Washington Redskins. The stadium can occupy over 90,000 crazy liberals.
References[edit | edit source]
- Those guys "2009 FedEx BullCrapShit Championship Game" This site, November 17, 2008
- Liberal sports media "BCS response: Fuck you Obama, bring it!" ESPN, November 17, 2008