UnNews:Horoscopes 10th October

Monday, October 12, 2020

Not the first time this movie has been associated with the word Cancer.

Libra (Sept. 24 - Oct. 23) - This week you may feel some negative signals around you. When you do, it will be important that you can interpret the lights on the monitors.

Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 22) - Be open to the hints coming your way this week about creative ideas for not kidnapping governors.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - An important piece of new information arrives this week to challenge your preconceived notions. Be prepared to make some adjustments, like ignoring all new information.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 20) - I have two words for you this week. Two... words.... Watch for them.

Aquarius (Jan. 21 - Feb. 19) - Gender-neutral terms might prove challenging this week. Dude.

Pisces (Feb. 20 - March 20) - Can you scootch over about a foot or two? Thanks. Ah. Yeah. Watch out for that thing behind you this week.

Aries (March 21 - April 20) - Tap out this coming week. Seriously. I'm telling you. By fucking Monday. I'm serious.

Taurus (April 21 - May 21) - Covid-19 gets the best of you this week, which, if we're being honest, "the best of you" isn't really all that much. So, whatever.

Gemini (May 22 - June 21) - This week you will attempt to come back from your self-imposed exile, as though you can still come up with twelve jokes every week like you did in your 40s. You've made better choices in your life.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Genies are tricky - watch every detail when you encounter one this week and make your three wishes. They like to get you with the double meanings, so no wishing for a giant erection, for instance. You never know what the genie will come up with there.

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Pandemic concerns and ridiculous debates dominate your ideas for satire this week. Be careful with that. Everyone is fucking tired of that shit. Be considerate.

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 23) - Be very careful suggesting to me this week that I should stick around and revive Uncyclopeida Horoscopes after all these years. I'm 55 years old and in quarantine. I just might do it.