UnNews:Higgs-Bozo particles detected at FermiLab

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

15 June 2006

Professor I. Claudius Bozo makes a point during a lecture on his discovery of the Higgs-Bozo particle.

BATAVIA Illinois -- Excitement was in the air today at FermiLab as Professor I. Claudius Bozo announced experimental confirmation of the existence of the elusive Higgs-Bozo particle. Long suspected as a so-called "carrier" particle, the Higgs-Bozo has eluded experimental physicists for almost 20 years. First postulated as "the thing that makes stuff happen", Dr. Emma Peel of Oxford faced ridicule and jeers when she first presented her ideas in 1998.

Said Dr. Peel, "At first our team noticed something funny was happening to stuff. You know, like, some stuff sticks together and other stuff flys apart. It was very irritating that we could not explain these phenomena using conventional Physics. When Professor Bozo hit upon the idea of bombarding Ouija Boards with cream cheese particles, observing the "runny cheese" behavior at the instant of neutrino annihilation, we were ecstatic."

Congressman Harvey "Disturbed" Crumpet, Chairman of the House Committee on Dry Cleaning Technology, spoke at length to a packed auditorium at Boston College High School in Dorchester, MA. "The key to the whole thing is Martinizing. I mean, we've all seen the signs at dry cleaners advertising Martinizing. What the hell is Martinizing? Is it even a real word? This breakthrough by the "Martinizers", as the Dry Cleaning Research Team at Fermilab call themselves, will settle this issue once and for all. Now we can concentrate on beating those commie Chinese to the Moon."

Science reporter Pliny the Capitulator has been following this story closely, writing that, "We used to think science could answer the really big questions in life, but now it's clear that clowns have an edge in this area of study. The theorists lay out the groundwork, but can they juggle? Not really."

Hippies fear that this new knowledge will lead to more terrible weapons of mass destruction. "Sure, it's great to have sharp creases, with no wrinkles except where Nature put them," said Jarvis McBong of the Hippies Against Sciencey Horrors Applied Statistically to Hippies or HASHISH. "The collateral damage from a Martinizing strike would set communes back twenty years. Where would we get our rolling papers then, huh?" A slightly stoned McBong then went back to work, removing seeds from his latest purchase.

It is unclear what effect harnessing the Higgs-Bozo would have on pigeons. Admins at Uncyclopedia have prepared for the worst, stockpiling porn in the event of a shortage. Others wonder if the overuse of Martinizing will have an adverse effect on the environment, but they're stupid and no one cares about their opinions.

Sources

• Enrico Fermi-Buttocks "What holds stuff together?" Fermilab Press release, June 16, 2006

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