UnNews:Hezbollah militants killed by letter bomb

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

26 July 2006

As one militant struggles with deja-vu, other members of the group struggle with life.

UNKNOWN LOCATION, Lebanon -- A group of Hezbollah militants planning to attack the Israeli Headquarters in Jerusalem had their plans literally blow up in their faces last night as a explosion, believed to have been caused by a letter bomb. 3 people were killed and 14 people were further injured in the blast.

Investigators at the scene of the explosion have concluded that the letter bomb in question was actually one sent by the Hezbollah group. Forensic investigations show that the bomb was addressed to the offices of Ehud Olmert, the Prime Minister of Israel - but unfortunately the militants forgot to apply the correct stamps to the package - and the bomb was returned to sender. Obviously unaware of what had happened, the group opened the package and were surprised with (excuse the pun) a blast from the past. Evidence also leans to indicate that the bomb was disguised as a parcel containing an ipod as part of a free gift scheme, presumbably for money or referring friends in return.

Unexpectedly, the attack also provoked the international community to respond. Hassan Nasrallah, the leader of Hezbollah, said in a statement today: "Our brothers have died for us in glorious battle. Let them inspire you forward to greater things!", a phrase that is a staple of Hezbollah press releases; meanwhile the UN Secretary-General Kofi Annan said he was "shocked" at the "apparently deliberate targeting" of the post. Israel has expressed "deep regret that it has to fight such incompetent idiots".

However, this is not an isolated incident - this comes as the third accident caused this month by malpractice by Hezbollah militants - 5 died last week after they were run over by their get-away car; another 2 were killed after they had assembled their rocket launcher the wrong way around; one militant was killed by his own people after a debate on controversial religuous issues went disastrously wrong and a group of 4, attempting to abduct another Israeli soldier, were beaten to death by locals after having run out of petrol in their car.

In the general scheme of things too, things are looking grim for Hezbollah, after Israel blew up their UN bodyguard - an event widely whitewashed and pooh-poohed by Israel - having cited reasons of "collateral damage". In the words of one Israeli security worker: "Shit happens. Get used to it - we're in the middle east!"

Sources

• Unknown "Israeli bomb kills UN observers" BBC News, July 26, 2006