UnNews:Harmonix Worse Than Big Tobacco
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
20 September 2015
Cambridge, Massachusets - Rhythm and romance video game company Harmonix announced earlier today that it will be turning to guerrilla marketing tactics to promote the release of it's upcoming game, Rock Band 4, in casual environments with fake word-of-mouth advertising.
Based on the disappointing sales of Harmonix's previous three video game releases, and the anticlimactic announcement of Rock Band 4's upcoming on-disc song list, Harmonix advertising executives have decided to launch extreme promotional techniques to save the company from bankruptcy. Harmonix hopes to win back some of the core customers it lost in the past few yars due to poor game design and sub-par customer support by enlisting the help of drug addicts, unemployed pedophiles, and underage Cambodian children into groups of social networkers called the "Rock Band Road Crew." The only real listed requirement to join the Rock Band Road Crew is to "...have an affinity for both Rock Band and buttsecks with our QA experts."
To entice kids to purchase the absurdly overpriced game, Harmonix will be offering a "Trade-In" program for old equipment. Just bring your plastic guitars and drum sets into Harmonix's corporate headquarters, and they will gladly exchange your old gear for equal weight in Methadone.
"Our studies have indicated that over 98% of our customers have used drugs at some point in their life, and we want to help them find the best drugs," said one Harmonix chairman, adding, "We will have clean needles for sale, also."
Included with every Rock Band 4 disc purchase will be a coupon good for one free hand job from Harmonix Creative Director Alex Rigopulos himself. A graduate of MIT, Alex has tons of experience in the field, and is eager to apply his skills "hands-on" again.
Alex believes that the future of video gaming is trending towards the synthesis of pet simulations like Eye Pet and standard rhythm games, and has begun working on a project entitled "Dog Band," where you can train your dog to play instruments and help them through a career of musical domination. Very excited about this new video game genre, Alex has already started teaching his pet pug to play Enter Sandman, by heavy metal supergroup Metallica on the drums, which he posted a video of onto YouTube. Lars Ulrich, when pressed for a comment on this unauthorized performance, stated he worried that "...people are going to consider it better than the original song..." and "...Metallica's album sales will start to plummet."
Critics have lashed out at Harmonix, claiming that the Rock Band Road Crew is merely a thinly-veiled attempt by Harmonix employees to 'hook-up' their friends and family with jobs and free stuff, it is not really targeting the right customers, and is certainly not suitable for children. They are demanding that the coupons be removed from the game and Harmonix issue a public apology.
| “ | We just couldn't manage to get all of the glitches out of the game again before release, so instead of pushing back the release date, I figured free handjobs would help make up for it. | ” |
To prepare for the crowds of people rushing into Harmonix headquarters to trade in their old instruments and redeem their "Free Handjob" coupons, Rigopulos has instructed the entire company to begin stocking up on Vaseline. Apparently, they already have plenty of Methadone.