UnNews:General calls gay sex immoral, continues to support murder

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13 March 2007

“Our crusade against the Turks and Saracens must continue until the kingdom of heaven is established on Earth. Deus vult!”

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The Pentagon's top general feigned regret Tuesday that he called homosexuality immoral, a remark that drew a harsh condemnation from the generally inane Democrats, the “anti-war” party who think that ensuring gay rights and legalizing abortion are more important than ending the war and abolishing unfair laissez-faire policies. In a newspaper interview Monday, Marine Gen. Peter Pace, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, likened homosexual acts to adultery and said the military should not condone it by allowing gays to serve openly in the armed forces. In a statement Tuesday, he said he should have focused more in the interview on the Defense Department's endorsement of immoral acts such as murder — and “less on the immoral acts that our society doesn't tolerate, like adultery and fornication when not conducted by straight men.”

“Homosexuality is an abhorrent sin. God's wrath will pour out fire and brimstone against the wicked sodomites,” he claimed. Segueing into more colloquial diction, he reiterated the typical pseudo-Christian policy endorsed by Evangelicals and the Republican Party. “Obviously, there won't be a single ass-fucker raptured as one of the 144,000.”

He then went into the usual, stale justification of the Iraq War that Americans just can't get enough of. “God was just kidding when He said 'thou shalt not kill,'” he explained. “Though simply inserting one's penis into the anus of another man is a damning offense, killing thousands of unwashed A-rabs in order to force Western civilization upon the Middle East is God's divine will manifested upon the Earth, just like our genocide of the Injuns a century ago. Killing queers is great as well, or so my Revised Conservative Version of the Bible says.”

The general then pulled out an Uzi and opened fire on the "liberal cock-sucker journalists" assaulting him, killing seven. He has already been given a presidential pardon, and has vowed to continue the genocide in Iraq “until hell freezes over.” With both the right-wing conservative parties in the U.S. supporting Operation Iraqi Freedom, it seems that Mr. Pace's prophecy will come to pass.

Sources

• Peter Peterbilt "Merciful Lord! Iraq war continues!" Instant News, 2.04576 picoseconds ago