UnNews:Gawr Gura's execution date revealed to be May 1, 2025
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 23, 2025
On April 15, 2025, it was announced that Gawr Gura, the best fish to ever exist, would be "graduating" from Hololive due to "disagreements with company direction". Graduation is a Japanese euphemism for public execution, though since japan has gone all capitalist some people prefer their executions to be privately funded, but that's besides the point. The official graduation (execution) date for the shark was revealed to be May 1, 2025, which multiple sources have confirmed. We at UnNews were not satisfied with the vague conclusion that the fish would be getting executed simply over corporate disagreements. "What must Gura know that we don't?" said Kippy, one of UnNews' most prestigious crack scientists. Our team sat around the long wooden table, pondering for weeks and scrambling through thousands of sheets of paperwork to come across any clues we could find, anything that would help us get to the bottom of this case.
After what felt like an eternity of searching, we were just about to give up when Kippy found a banana peel with the ip address and login credentials to a Hololive management server written on it with permanent marker. The banana peel, found in the dumpster behind the UnNews headquarters, we figured must have originated from that one time we invited Harusaki to record the first and last episode of the UnNews podcast which never made it to production because of how unbelievably bad it was.
From the moment we at UnNews realized we had the key to the truth in our hands, everyone gathered around a computer and connected to the IP address written on the banana via port 69, sending the necessary parameters for login. Four options were available in the program the server prompted us to download: Operations, Finances, Admin Metatraining, and Vtubers. After clicking on VTubers, it showed a list of several "graduated" Vtubers with the words "ELIMINATED" written over them, along with the "admin" responsible for their death.
It took us a week of hard and thorough investigation (a lot of which is currently ongoing) so please stay tuned as we uncover more information in the coming days.
SUNDAY, APRIL 27, 2025
After having done intensive digging over this past weekend, we've been able to decrypt a table of "opponents" as well as their "properties" and current status. Also included in this file shown below is the "admin" responsible for their death. We are not sure what/who exactly these admins are but our best guess, given the irrational behaviour, is that it is referring to Wikipedia admins.
| OPPONENT | PROPERTIES | STATUS | ADMIN |
|---|---|---|---|
| Minato Aqua | Makes good coffee | TERMINATED | 1 |
| Hitomi Chris | You don't want to know | TERMINATED | 3 |
| Gawr Gura | Can breathe underwater, can talk to fish | TERMINATED
(was "NEUTRALIZED" until her execution) |
3 |
| Mano Aloe | Can temporarily perform mind control | TERMINATED | 7 |
| Ceres Fauna | Can talk to plants | TERMINATED | 6 |
| Kiryu Coco | Knows every swear word | TERMINATED | 9 |
| You | Easily tricked
|
TERMINATED | 6 |
| Uruha Rushia | Can talk to ghosts | TERMINATED | 7 |
| Tsukumo Sana | Can talk to celestial objects | TERMINATED | 3 |
| Yozora Mel | Can siphon blood in emergencies | TERMINATED | 3 |
| Murasaki Shion | Motherfucker | TERMINATED | 1 |
THURSDAY, MAY 1, 2025
At roughly 08:45 Japan Standard Time, it was reported that Gawr Gura had been publicly executed by firing squad.
Her last words before being executed were:
| “ | a | ” |
— Gawr Gura
| ||
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Teddy Cambosa "gwar goomba 2 gwaduwate fwom howowive" antitrendz.net, April 15, 2025