UnNews:Gary "Fairy" Kirsten introduces sex as new training technique for Indian cricket team

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

4 November 2009

"Maybe Gary is right... Sex before cricket might be better than thinking about it during the whole test match..."

New Delhi, India -- Former South African cricketer and Indian coach Gary Kirsten today announced an innovative training programme for the Indian national cricket team. In place of fielding practice, net work, stretching, aerobic exercise and resistance training, Kirsten will institute a programme consisting entirely of frequent, promiscuous sex.

"Sex is a good thing, you know," said Kirsten, a famous sex addict. "You do some bang-bang and you feel better and well... it's best thing ever invented, right?"

Despite Kirsten's recent move to India and new coaching role with the national side, he has retained his South African lifestyle consisting of a lot of occasional sex with people he's accidentally met.

All Indian players took to the new warm-up technique enthusiastically, but some had a few objections.

"Well, it's all right when we play in India, then our wives and girlfriends can come with us. We can easily pick something out of the playbook." Said VVS Laxman, a well-known Indian cricketer. "But what do we do when we will have to play a series in Australia or England? Our wives are required to stay in India fulfilling all kinds of fascinating stereotypes -- we need to travel alone without them. What then!?" he asked.

Kirsten in response was unfazed by Laxman's slavish obsession with fidelity. "Hookers are everywhere."

In response to the suggestion made by senior players that many people love their wives, clever Kirsten had another solution. "Well... if they don't want to have sex with hookers, then they can have sex with their teammates. There are always an even number of players on tour, they have rooms in the hotels for two people each... Ideal conditions for secret gay sex." He continued, "It's always better to have passionate sex with hugging and kissing than a quick solo handjob in bathroom, right?"

"Yes, I totally agree," responded Laxman. "And this way I will not cheat on my wife with another woman. Cheating with a man is not real cheating."

Kirsten quickly cut off any further questions. "OK... No more questions. I need to find Sachin now. I have accommodated him in my room. You know what I'm talking about."

Sources

• The Australian News "Gary Kirsten discovers sex" Australia, 26th October 2009