UnNews:French to play next game in the nude

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

17 June 2014

The French team training yesterday.

France's football team has come up with a novel way to combat the oppressive humidity in Brazil during the World Cup - they are going to play the next game entirely in the nude.

Since the World Cup began a week ago, teams have wilted after 60-70 minutes of play, as the conditions have started to wear players down.

While other sides have sought hi-tech responses such as isotonic drinks and acclimatization techniques, French coach Didier Deschamps took a different approach, announcing, "Nous allons jouer... nus". We asked our resident French speaker what that meant, but she simply fanned herself and said there was no way to express such virile potency in English.

Different broadcasters are set to respond to the move in different ways: Iranian TV is refusing to film the French penalty box while ITV in the UK is set to cover the Frenchmen's genitalia with adverts for Paddy Power.

Historical precedents

Fortunately for lovers of naked men, Franck Ribery has already been ruled out of the World Cup.

As unlikely as the prospect sounds, football has a long tradition of being played in the nude. In the original set of Football Association Rules drawn up in the UK, one team had to play naked if it did not have a sufficiently distinct kit from the other.

Going further back, for a game of Episkyros, the ancient Greek predecessor of the modern sport, all players were forced to play naked, for the delight of their owners/spectators.

Over in China in roughly the same period, Kikibula was played naked by aristocrats' concubines, whose girlish reactions to robust challenges have been passed down to today's players.

Cravats and glitter

When it was pointed out to Deschamps that his players would lack the necessary numbering provided by shirts and shorts - and that, in theory, naked spectators could run on the pitch to swell the French numbers - he made a concession: the eleven onfield players would wear a stylish cravat, with a number on their backs painted in glitter.

Fifa was initially resistant to the change, but after some unusual activity involving Swiss bank accounts, members voted in favour of the Nudie French bill.

Sources

• Leverage, "How Weather Conditions Will Affect Play at World Cup 2014" Bleacher Report, June 17, 2014