UnNews:Final Harry Potter book reportedly based on Sopranos finale

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

10 July 2007

London, England -- Rumor has it that J.K. Rowling, author of the popular Harry Potter book series, has been inspired by the finale to the popular series The Sopranos (for the full story on the finale, see UnNews:Entire world pissed off by Sopranos finale).

Mrs. Rowling was reportedly so astounded with the ending (or lack of ending) to the series, she has completely rewritten the last 8 chapters of the last book in the series, Harry Potter and the Deadly, Dying Death. Before, the book chronicled Harry Potter's quest to kill his longtime enemy Voldemort, with lots of scar-aching and teen angst along the way. The end of the book originally contained an epic battle between the young wizard and the evil Voldemort and a $20 dollar bill for the reader.

But now, all that has changed. The 40,000 copies of the book that were already printed have been burned, and copies of the new, "Sopranoed" version of the story are going into print today. Details of the new, "improved" plot are still hazy, but it reportedly resolves very few of the many storylines and questions presented by the first six books. Reportedly, only one of the series's many villains is killed. Apparently, Draco Malfoy's head gets crushed under the wheel of the Snack Trolley on the Hogwart's Express.

To make the experience more realistic and exciting, the producers decided to make the movie a "snuff film" in which the actor playing Malfoy (Tom Felton) is actually killed before the audience's eyes. "This will bring in a whole new audience, which may not be interested in Harry Potter per se, but in the thrill of seeing someone violently die. Just think of the novel audience mixture of parents, children, and others with more 'offbeat' tastes' sitting side-by-side" said one anonymous producer from his jail cell in L.A. on unrelated drug charges. Unfortunately, several takes of the scene was necessary and, the actor, two siblings and three stand-ins had to give their all to complete the scene. But one fan at the movie's preview said the result was "disappointing" because "it went by too fast to 'savor,' and, there just wasn't enough detail."

If THIS is the only person who likes the ending of a book, it's generally a bad sign.

The ending, which was leaked over the Internet by a hacker, takes place at the Three Broomsticks in Hogsmeade where Harry, Hermoine and Ron are waiting for Ginny after their final confrontation with the Death Eaters. We see in the background a hooded wizard who gets up and walks into the bathroom. Ginny walks up to the door, and Harry takes a bite from a tatertot. The book then abruptly ends leaving the reader, confused, angry and without an extra $20.

Peter Bogdanovich, former director, former host of the reality series So, You Think You Can Yodel?, and now a self-appointed book critic, says "I've...erm...read the uh...erm...that is, I've uuuuhh...dammit...what was I saying? Oh yes. The...siiiiiiigh...last Harry Potter book. Uuuh, I read it. It uuuuh, has been retitled, and now it's cun-..called, uh...Made In Hogwarts. That is the name of that fu..foolish school, right? Anywho...(clears throat loudly)...the book ends with a brilliantly, mu..mo..melanch...melancholy? Scene. I don't like it. Or rather, I do like...uh...it. Right? Yes, that...a...anyway, the-...it ends with a brilliant scene with Harry, and some other...wizards...in a restaurant, and Harry is uh...eating a meal. It's uuuh...brilliant. It leaves you uuuuhhh..hanging, with a blank pa...shit...page right after Harry takes a bite from a tatertot, or something. I liked it, I guess. It would have been better if I had written it, of course."

Some doubt has been cast over whether or not small children will be able to grasp the artistic statement this book is attempting to make. However, there is some hope: apparently, Mrs. Rowling actually did end the story, in 19 different ways as a matter of fact. Hopefully, these endings will be released at some point so some of the series's less artistic-minded viewers will be satisfied.