UnNews:Failed regulations give porn-makers ideas

Sunday, February 21, 2016

In case you didn't know what a dental dam was, here is a picture from forthcoming movie Dam Girl, You Fine.

The state of California has rejected a proposal to force porn actors to wear condoms, dental dams, and goggles during sex - but the very proposal has given directors a range of dirty new ideas for movies.

Members of the state’s Occupational Safety and Health Standards board voted 3-2 in favor of the rules, just one short of the four-vote threshold necessary for adoption.

"Contrary to the case in many of the movies we were trying to regulate," said proposal author Joanna Corey, "we needed one more person to put his hand up."

For Corey and her colleagues, there was worse news: the extreme nature of the safe-sex procedures put forward in the proposal led a small sub-genre of pornography to bloom, with a raft of new releases set to show performers getting kinky with extra latex, weird mouth stuff, and messy goggle-play.

To be totally honest, some goggle-play has always been out there.

Legendary director Phil McHock told us: "Personally, before this hearing I was really at a dead-end creatively. Now, thanks to the sick puppies who came up with this proposal, I have opened up this whole new side to my sexual imagination.

"Things are gonna get clinical, hospital-blue-colored, and kind of stretchy and gross."

Los Angeles sex shops (whose numbers we just happened to have on speed-dial) have reported a 624% rise in goggle-related enquiries.

"Two weeks ago, we didn't have a single pair of goggles to sell them," said store owner Mistress Whiplash, "So we just bought about 1000 skiing and swimming goggles and repackaged them as Sex Visors. We were lucky we were able to get so many so fast to meet demand.

"All I can say is, thank God for Dick's Sporting Goods."

Sources

• Leverage, "California rejects plan to force porn actors to wear condoms, dental dams and goggles" Guardian, February 21, 2016