UnNews:Ex-fire chief objects to being butt of successor's "joke"
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
21 June 2007
APOPKA - Apopka fire chief Randy Fernandez received a promotion after mooning a crowd of partygoers. The party, allegedly in honor of Fernandez’s predecessor, Richard Anderson, was really “an excuse to get young female firefighters drunk so they could be persuaded to expose themselves” in exchange for cigarette lighters, matchbooks, and autographed photographs of Chris Evans, who played the Human Torch in recent motion pictures “starring” a team of superheroes known as The Fantastic Four. “They girls would rather have received a picture of The Human Firebug,” Fernandez admitted, “but he’s doing fifteen to twenty for arson and was unavailable.”
Although Fernandez said he exposed himself “in appreciation” for the female firefighters’ showing their breasts, Anderson is skeptical that Fernandez’s mooning the partygoers had anything to do with the female firefighters’ flashing for flammables. “I think he wanted to offend my honored guests and to belittle me, his former supervisor.”
Administrators refused to comment on the incident, even for Unnews’ reporter Lotta Lies, other than to confirm that Fernandez received what they described as a “lateral promotion.”
“The bastard should have been fired,” Anderson contended.
Fernandez said, “He’s [Anderson’s] always been jealous of me. I’m younger, stronger, more competent, better looking, and have way better buttocks than he--or even his wife, Jezebel, has. The women say, both as a man and as a fire chief, I‘m smoking hot. They call Richard, on the other hand, ‘Dick.’”
Fernandez’s new job comes with a posh office, the centerpiece of which is a huge, teakwood desk situated beneath a chandelier featuring 100 cut-glass fixtures ablaze with electric candles. An ashtray, designed to look like a bent-over boy baring his buttocks, occupies the center of the desk. It bears a hand-carved inscription: “The butt stops here.” The man featured on the ashtray bears a strong resemblance to Anderson as he looked as a youth, but Fernandez calls the resemblance “a coincidence.”
Asked if the ashtray is intended as a slur against his former supervisor, Fernandez said, “I don’t carry grudges.”
Why, then, does he have an ashtray on his desk?
“The girls in the department think it’s cute,” Fernandez said.
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- Lotta Lies "I thought the expression was, “The buck stops here”" Instant News, 39 seconds ago