UnNews:Everything you know about Canada is a Lie
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
25 January 2013
| Montreal, East Mapleland -- BREAKING NEWS[1]: Everything you, your mum and Stephen Harper know about The Canada is a lie. BBC Worldwide reports Canada, the largest territory to be owned by the United States, faces the worst crisis of its entire history. Previously, the worst crisis had been that time baby seals maliciously attacked defenseless hunters in Labrador. Luckily, the hunters had some hunting equipment with which to defend themselves. Today’s crisis, however, is all the more grave.
Montreal was once a happy city, frolicking in the syrup and listening to Avril Lavigne in cultural ritual performances in honour of the queen. Today, Montreal is slightly less happy, despite Canada Day being only 157 more days away. The reason? Everything you know about Canada is a lie. That’s right. Everything. You see, Canada has bank notes in their fake little country up there. The bank notes feature a maple leaf. The maple leaf is a lie. In protest, Canadian citizens[2] have pledged only to use $1 notes, not the twenty and fifty dollar notes. This has proved problematic for one Canadian, who will remain anonymous to avoid recognition due to her hit songs ‘Baby’ and ‘My World’. ‘I was trying to buy a mansion in one dollar bills, and I told the man I was buying it from I was really sawry for paying in ones. He just said “Hey, I’ll just show some Canadian hospitality and give you the mansion for free”’. But other problems have arisen, and are not solved quite as easily. The Norwegian invasion of Canada has prompted the Minister of National Defence, Peter MacKay, to ask Norway to pretty please stop it. ‘At least 17 Canadian maples have been murdered by Norwegian maples’, he said. France has said it would send troops from Mali to Canada to protect local maples if necessary. Said French Prime Minister François Fillon: ‘We will fight the terrorists in Mali too, but our first priority is to protect our French-speaking allies so we have someone to talk to’. |
The Bank of Canada repudiates the allegations that it betrayed its country, but nobody cares to hear such derisory abnegation. Despite what the Bank claims, Canadian scientists have come to hypothesise that zero fucks were given. Consequently, very few Canadian bank notes were printed in December of 2012[3]. It’s probably a good thing. The paper used to make those bank notes comes from Canadian maple trees, and it’s a maple rights violation to kill them. Killing a maple tree in Canada can be penalised with up to 20 minutes in prison and an apology.
