UnNews:Drug using Nigella 'ideal woman'
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
27 November 2013
Revelations that Nigella Lawson is a cocaine user has reinforced her position as British men's ideal woman.
A poll of 12,156 Britons revealed that 22% voted for Nigella as their "perfect sex toy and life partner" with this figure rising to 33% among the over-35s.
The results have surprised pundits who had voiced concerns that details of the drug use of the TV cook and self-styled Domestic Goddess might have caused irrevocable damage to Lawson's career.
Sociologist Joanna Corey admitted: "I must say, when I first heard the news I thought it was all over for Nigella. But she isn't Martha Stewart, this isn't a fall from grace of the sinless housewife. She was always the naughty, mumsy temptress. Not your first wife, but the saucy forty-something housewrecker you leave her for... the one you stay with forever because nobody cooks and romps like she does. And now she does cocaine. It's kind of hard to see how I missed the attraction."
The revelation came to light in the trial of Francesca and Elisabetta Grillo, two former employees of Lawson's estranged husband, Charles Saatchi. In an email to his wife, Saatchi claimed that the Grillos would be found innocent because Lawson and her daughter were "so off your heads on drugs that you allowed them to spend whatever they liked."
Nigella fansite owner Barry Tickle wrote a 1500-word email to UnNews, "That was what really got us going on the forums. The idea that Nigella - all cut-glass accent and posh meats - is doing coke with her daughter like some council estate trollop... well, we could hardly contain ourselves. She is the perfect mix of mother and whore, tramp and madam, mistress and muffin maker."
"I want to get lost in her boobs... and after three days of wandering around in there, I want to find a line of coke and sniff it all up off her alabaster skin... then I'll drift down her corpulent but shapely body, eating her all up, biting and swallowing in the darkness of her folds... and we will get roast meat involved at some point and [message redacted]"
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Leverage, "Saatchi accused Nigella Lawson of drug-taking, court hears" BBC, November 27, 2013