UnNews:Donald Trump announces military project to build Landkreuzer P. 1000 Ratte tanks
Tuesday, February 18, 2025
Donald Trump, in partnership with Elon Musk, has just unveiled the United States' newest project of military expenditure: he plans to use the loads of money saved by the Department of Government Ejaculation to invest in building the 1000-ton tank of Adolf Shitler's wet dreams: the Landkreuzer P. 1000 "Ratte".
The Ratte was an unbelievably large tank designed by Mr. Krupp (also known as Captain Underpants) to be used by Nazi Germany. Weighing 1000 tons, armed with battleship cannons and a 17,000 horsepower engine, one would have to wonder what Mr. Krupp was smoking that day. The picosecond Mr. Krupp showed his new drawing to Shitler, der führer immediately orgasmed at the thought of a 1000 ton tank and, before sending the idea over to his tank building guys, had sex with Mr. Krupp for exactly 88 seconds. Unfortunately, while they were having sex, Hitler's semen got all over the diagram of the Ratte and the design was ultimately lost to history, and it was never built.
That is, it was lost to history until Elon Musk got his hands on the diagram after stealing it from a Holocaust memorial museum, because "That's just the kind of thing he would do!", Trump said when interviewed about the topic. Once Elon had the diagram of the Ratte, he got to work trying to restore the diagram using "his" expert techniques of document restoration. He even live-streamed himself attempting to restore it, but did a terrible job at it and promptly ended the stream, and it was later revealed he had paid an actual forensic team to restore the diagram for him.
Once the diagram had been restored after a few days of work, Elon proudly presented the idea of restarting this project to Donald Trump, who immediately orgasmed at the thought of such a powerful tank being under America's belt, and instantly had sex with Elon for 88 seconds. Elon made sure he and Donny wore condoms, though, so as to not repeat history. Trump instantly sent the idea to the Department of Defense who immediately started work on the project.
"We're gonna make the biggest tanks you've ever seen, and when we make 'em, I'll tell you that we make the best tanks and all you beautiful people will be in awe as you've never seen a tank like it, and we'll just keep going, and we'll get bigger and better, because that's America," Donald Trump says as he announces the project. "Elon, you're one hell of a genius, I'll say that much, because you know, those Germans had the right idea here, the biggest, most bestest machines you'd ever see in your life, and by God I can't wait for everyone to bow down to America's new arsenal!"