UnNews:Die hard Potter fan mistaken for homeless person
|
This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
19 November 2010
NEW YORK, New York -- Darrel Sherman, aged 38, bearing a full beard and a jarful of change at his side, may seem like you’re average down-on-his-luck bum, but one thing that many of the bystanders who happen to walk by Darrel on an average Wednesday morning might not realize is that, to himself at least, Darrel is in fact the luckiest man in the world. For the past five years now, Darrel has been camping out in the alley between a Macy’s and the 6th street theater waiting in the lull between Potter films, living almost exclusively off his surroundings. In his time, he has taken a total of three showers, slept in the same worn-out sleeping bag and fought countless seagulls over various scraps of food, yet still he refuses to give up his spot.
Police no doubt were surprised to learn this after being asked to clear the area for the upcoming film at the request of the theater’s owner.
“Yeah, we got a call from the manager, Bill or whatever his name is,” says one officer present at the scene. “He said this homeless guy had been loitering around asking for change so he can see the ‘big show‘. So we decided we was gunna pull out our batons out and beat his ass silly till he left. Don’t write that down.”
Darrel was quick to respond to the situation, explaining that he was in fact a very loyal fan of the series, going on to state that like Harry, he is a wizard as well, and even offering to take an officer around the corner and show her his magic wand as proof.
“Yeh I gots meh change jar here so I can buy mahself a ticket,“ says Darrel, holding an industrial-sized peanut-butter jar in his armpit. “Most muggle’s pretty reluctant tah contribute but den they’ll usually gives in once I promise not to uuhh waste it on polyjuice potion or butterbeer,” he says, with a hearty maniacal laugh. “I also has one that I pisses in too.”
Surprisingly, this vagabond-esque lifestyle was, in fact, not always the situation for Darrel. In 2004 he had held a rather well-paying job in the software industry and planned to buy a second condo in Florida before he was fired for soliciting witchcraft to a minor, as he describes it. The following week his house, along with many of his worldly possessions, burned down in a mysterious chemical fire which he believes to have been started by a stray fiendfyre curse.
“So den I spent the rest of mah money on a ticket tah see the Prisoner of Azkaba, yah see” he explains. “Great film. I puts it in meh top two.”
With no better place to go, he simply decided to stay.
In a telephone interview after the screening this following morning, Darrel stated that he was indeed satisfied with the movie and hopes that the final episode of the saga will live up to his already high expectations. Currently, he plans to fashion a trash bag into an "invisibility cloak" of sorts which he will wear to the final Potter film in July, 2011.
