UnNews:Danish psycho kills giraffe and feeds it to lions

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10 February 2014

Awwwwwwwww. But dead.

Police are on the hunt for a typically sick Scandinavian killer, after Marius, a two-year-old giraffe at Copenhagen Zoo, was slaughtered and fed to the lions.

The creature, perhaps one of the most gorgeous things on God's green earth, was "hanged from the neck until he was dead", according to Detective Inspector Sarah Lund, who was wearing a fetching wooly jumper that was just on the border of ridiculous.

"This would have required suspending him from an extremely high point, bearing in mind the length of the victim's neck." the winsome policewoman added.

"The world has become acutely aware of Scandinavia's murder epidemic, with the harrowing accounts of cruelty in Stieg Larsson's, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo just the beginning of things," opined Scandinavian scholar Joanna Corey. "As it was a zoo, I could well have believed a tourist was behind the murder - until I heard about the way in which he was killed. That kind of sadism is pure Dane."

Zookeepers raised the alarm this morning, after finding suspiciously high amounts of giraffe carcass strewn around the zoo, and several of the local lions prostrate with indigestion. Analysis of the big cats' burps confirmed the initial suspicion that the lions had had an extra meal.

"It's a horrible crime," said pneumatic, blonde zoo keeper Helena Johannssenn. "I picked up a bit of Marius' trunk. He was marked so beautifully. I am going to use it as a template for knitting my new cardigan."

Johannssenn's two possible designs.

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