UnNews:Chinese "overjoyed" to be learning about capitalism

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

17 June 2007

Shanxi, China - China's burgeoning middle class is reportedly "overjoyed" to be on the path to American-style capitalism, according to sources within the country. At the helm of this economic development is the American Wal-Mart corporation, which has taken the bold step of enslaving many local Chinese in order to maximize profit.

"This is a great moment for Wal-Mart, and for China." said Wal-Mart CEO H. Lee Scott. "The Chinese people can do nothing but benefit from more direct exposure to our American style of business."

"China learns much from America capitalist!" said renowned Chinese economist Shinggo Lu. "China's socialist worker's paradise is one step closer to reality thanks to this courageous measure!"

Chinese laborers weep with joy as they hear that their lives have just been purchased. At least, I think they're weeping. You can never tell with those squinty eyes of theirs...

Scott said that he hopes that this new business move will "transform" China into the, "flag-loving, apple pie-eating, festival of freedom it ought to be." Scott was also thrilled by the response of the Chinese populace, attributing his enormous success to "Jesus' desire for me to enslave these people." As he put up his feet, lit an obnoxiously large cigar with a flaming 100 dollar bill, and prepared to dive into his swimming pool full of money, Scott remarked that he has "never felt surer that our river of cheap goods will continue to flow from China to citizens across America."

Hearkening back to the early years of the United States, Scott told this reporter about how he hit upon the idea while visiting an Alabama Wal-Mart, where he apparently heard a shopper commenting on U.S-China relations.

"This guy was a true inspiration," said Scott, "When he said 'Them Chinamen stank!' I knew he was truly an enlightened soul. Then afterwards, when he added, 'Davis (President of the short-lived Southern Confederacy) had it raght! We should kill the naggers, kikes, spics, gooks and the lot of 'em. After that we'll enslave 'em all! The South will rise again!' I knew that I had found my soulmate."

Local Chinese workers, on the other hand, had not noticed that their conditions had changed until they were questioned by this reporter.

"I guess that our bosses are fatter." said Chinese worker Zhoujie Guo. "That seems to be the only real difference between American slavery and Chinese liberty."

Other American corporations are rushing to mimic this new profitable move, including such heavy-hitters as McDonalds, Starbucks, and Nike.

"It's only a matter of time," say analysts in both America and Europe, "before all of Asia is enslaved."

In response, Scott was heard to say, "Let's hope it's a short matter of time, NASCAR's almost on."

Sources

• Chris Buckley "Slavery back in style, with a new Asian flavor." Yeah who! News, June 16, 2007

• Martin Barillas "Chinese slaves the happiest in the world!" Spero News, June 17, 2007,,