UnNews:Cheese Addiction Stronger than Heroin
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
13 June 2007
Dallas, Texas -- Cheese has been steadily replacing Heroin as the drug of choice among middle schoolers in Texas. In keeping with the Texas mantra that "Bigger is Better", teens have been switching to Cheese for its long-lasting high.
It is believed that the cheese addiction was introduced by a traveling French Circus known as the Circ d'Sole. It was reported that circus employees, who are all criminals, kidnapped middle school students, held them down and forced them to eat large quantities of brie and triscuits. The youngsters quickly became addicted. Their parents became suspicious when their children refused to eat not only McDonalds, but any other burgers, and would strip off the burger, eating only the cheese. The problem has become so serious that some users were found to have needle-injected Creamy French and Italian dressings.
Police also noticed that the one cheese store in the state of Texas was being repeatedly burglarized, and large numbers of youthful shoplifters were being caught stuffing all types of cheese product under their clothes, as well as armed robberies being committed to support their addiction. Mrs. Gloria Hockenberry of Lubeck said, "We didn't notice at first when our daughter's bloomers smelled of Limberger because, well, Limberger smells like feces." "But when her undergarments started to smell like Garlic Havarti, we knew something was wrong." Robberies have also been committed by the older generation to "get cheese." A robbery committed by an 87 year-old man was foiled when he was so strung-out on cheese and Bordeaux that he tripped over his own walker.
In addition, US Border Patrol agents reported an uptick in smuggling cheese products across the Mexico-US border. This was first discovered when trucks which usually transport heroine and other drugs which are permitted to enter US territory, were found to have their "hidden" compartments filled with cheese. The presence of cheese became apparent when large numbers of border residents fainted due to the smell of rancid cheese under the hot Texas sun. In addition, across Texas, it has been noticed that young American men have become increasingly effeminate, are speaking with French accents, and refusing to bathe, all consistent with the undue influence of French cheese-eaters. French President Sarkozy has refused comment, concerned that an incident will damage US-Franco relations just as the new president has taken office.
Efforts to combat C.A. -- cheese addiction -- have begun in earnest. The TSA has declared cheese to be an "illicit substance" and has begun to confiscate all milk products, including cheese, milk, and ice cream. This concerns many people flying our nation's airways, as many of the on-board meals are no longer available as they contain large amounts of cheese product. Thankfully, no riots have broken out onboard as a result, as beer and alcohol were served instead. This was objected to at first by recovering alcoholics, but they were "convinced" that staying sober was impossible and, said one air steward, "They all leave the planes happy and still flying. I'm sure they'll be no after affects." Convicted cheese addicts are forced to learn Irish Step dancing while dressed in traditional Irish Kilts or skirts (no underwear permitted) and tap shoes. Those advocating this therapy admit that it does nothing to cure the addiction, but it does permit others to have a good laugh while humiliating those so addicted.
See Also[edit | edit source]
- Liberal News Media "Cheese Better than Heroin" ', June 12th, 2007