UnNews:Cameron seeking permission to fire Death Star

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2 December 2015

Prior to the debate Cameron, alongside his security team, were captured apprehending and detaining a suspected Rebel, which was thought to have given him the motivation to propose utilising the Death Star in the House of Commons.

LONDON, United Kingdom – British Prime Minister David Cameron is today seeking permission in the House of Commons to fire the newly built Death Star - based on plans drawn up during Margaret Thatcher's term in office - at the Rebel base in Syria. Cameron claims that firing the superweapon would eradicate the Rebellion and bring peace, freedom, justice and security to his Empire.

Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn, who has been dubbed by Cameron as a "Rebel sympathiser", has spoken strongly against the destruction of Syria partially due to the threat it poses to both the Ewok and Wookie population as well as the idea that harnessing a superweapon to combat what is being described as "terrorism" won't destroy the Rebel Alliance. Corbyn stated, "I feel that pressing the red button in this scenario will not only pose a threat to many endangered species but also won't do a thing to stop the Rebellion when young people are being radicalised in schools and at work in places across the country". Corbyn has also called on David Cameron to "stop being a pretentious wanker" and "apologise for associating me with the Rebels and for claiming that I sympathise with them", so far to no avail.

Addressing the House of Commons, Cameron said that, "My Rt. Honourable friends and I have carefully reviewed our intelligence and we have concluded that the blast from the Death Star would be so overwhelming that not only will the Rebel bases in Syria be completely wiped out, any Rebels who are currently in hiding will have no choice but to surrender. The Rebel's days are numbered and this bold move, which The Emperor has vehemently supported, will ensure that the Rebel Alliance is no more and that we can all return to our lives without living in fear".

Although opinion polls are decisively mixed, it is thought that, despite the protests in Westminster against the use of the superweapon, Cameron will be ready to fire the Death Star tonight with Grand Moff Osborne at the helm awaiting confirmation from the House of Commons. It is also believed that approximately 50 of Jeremy Corbyn's MPs will back David Cameron's plans to fire the Death Star, amid reports that Corbyn was going to order the execution of any of his MPs planning to go against him.

Sources

• BBC "Syria vote: Cameron and Corbyn clash over air strikes" BBC, December 2, 2015
• Patrick Wintour "David Cameron confident MPs will back Syria airstrikes" The Guardian, December 2, 2015