UnNews:Bush pronounces "nuclear" correctly, approval rating skyrockets

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

8 July 2007

Washington D.C., USA -- The Bush Administration, which only a few days ago seemed to be on the verge of totally alienating itself from the population of the United States, is now experiencing a notable rise in popularity. Political scientists attribute this sudden rise of Bush's approval rating to a recent speech President Bush pronounced the word "nuclear" for the first time.

Bush recently embarked on a mission to Iraq, which cured a blind man of his illness, then in keeping with America's healthcare policy, charged him $45,000.

What many people don't know is that the rapid drop in the president's approval rating over the last six years can be directly attributed to the frequency of his saying "nukular" in speeches. Correct pronunciation is crucial to many Americans, as a matter of fact, a recent poll by TIME magazine revealed that 75% of Americans considered pronunciation of the word "nuclear" to be the single most important issue to the future of the United States. So it's no wonder that last week, when Bush slowly and carefully enunciated "nu-cle-ar" for the first time, the crowd of several thousand he was speaking to abruptly gave him a standing ovation. Thousands of protesters threw down their "bring our troops home" signs and joined in the tearful applause for the President, who smiled proudly at the surrounding crowd. Even Nancy Pelosi was seen screaming and cheering with delight and flashing beaver at the president hysterically.

The backlash from this event has been staggering. Many poor citizens have voluntarily raised their own taxes "Because we want to make sure that our hero, George Bush, is able to afford a new swimming pool for each and every one of his estates!" Donald Rumsfeld has been reappointed, Alberto Gonzalez has been granted a full pardon, and several Democratic senators have resigned and appointed Republican replacements.

Many analysts are wondering: what will this mean for the upcoming election? The answer is rather menacing for Democratic presidential hopefuls. A recent poll revealed that 90% of Americans consider "lack of embarrassing mispronunciations" to be the most important aspect in choosing a candidate. Number two on the list of important aspects of a potential candidate is "lack of any embarrassing statements recently made by the candidate that can be interpreted in any way as disrespectful towards our troops." Interestingly enough, the Iraq war is, to most Americans, 18th on the list, right behind "lack of any remote association with Muslims".

The fact that pronunciation of "nuclear" is on the top of American's list of important qualities is bad news for Democratic hopefuls. A prominent political analyst says: "Hillary Clinton may see some trouble, because she stresses the consonants WAY too much. Nobody has heard Barack Obama say nuclear yet, so he's off the hook so far. John Edwards is way too hard on the first syllable of the word, and has therefore already been kicked out of the race."

Meanwhile, Bush's approval rating continues to shoot upwards, and in all of his speeches since the initial one, he has used the word "nuclear" at least 80 times. He reportedly plans to use his newfound pronunciation to impress Russia's leader Putin when they meet in Maine this week to discuss the future of the world over a lobster dinner.

Overlooked is that, although he never did this before, President Bush has now started to pronounce "California" the same way as Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger ("Cahl-lee-for-nee-a"). President Bush's use of his own made-up word "doubley-dangerous" to describe Iraq in a recent press conference has made him a well respected scholar in the Language Arts world.

Sources

• Victor Mature "Is our President awesome or what?" Republican Crap Weekly, July 07, 2007