UnNews:Bush assembles unemployment transition team

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

20 November 2008

"Got all this furniture, but no money. Anyone want some wood?"

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- United States President George W. Bush today announced that he is assembling a team to handle his transition from ultimate power to unemployment. The final sixty days of the presidency are likely to be busy ones, but Bush is already looking ahead -- and the future is not so bright. "Let's face it," President Bush told the assembled White House press corps, "I've got no job, and no prospects." He explained that in the current economic climate, "there just aren't jobs for folks who read books upside-down."

The president has been an prominent investor in several major corporations throughout his career, but has not received offers for directors' positions from any -- an unusual position for a Republican. Charitable organisations and academic institutions are also reluctant to employ President Bush, even those most enthusiastically endorsed by God. Many expected Bush to accept the still-vacant position of Chancellor at Liberty University, but this was denied by spokesman Jerry Falwell Jr., who said that the president could "never fit into one of Daddy's suits."

President Bush is looking to past experience in staffing his team, employing Nixon "no comment" man Arthur H. Wendell to head the transition. Other key members include top crochet teacher Doris Ellinger, professional gardener Dirk F. Russell, and LSU-certified caddy Jedidiah Pumpkinson. One surprise selection is former Attorney-General Alberto Gonzales. "There's some folks I been meanin' to sue," explained Bush, "and besides, nobody else wants to employ him." According to an unnamed administration insider, Bush told senior staff that income from lawsuits should allow him to live with some dignity until his social security kicks in.

Some are asking why President Bush is so concerned about his future financial security, and where all the money has gone. Alannah Harper, a professor of law at the University of Minnesota, explained to UnNews that Bush has made at least $US3 million over the past eight years, while employed in a job with virtually no personal expenses. President Bush candidly addressed the shortfall between his earnings and finances. "I'll be honest with you folks. I spent it all on military surplus from the Brigade Quartermasters catalogue. Dick and I made forts in the East Room."

Bush recalled a further expense to the stunned reporters. "Laura and I bought a state-of-the-art RV. We wanted to park it up in Kennebunkport, but Mom won't let us through the gates. Guess we're hitting the road."