UnNews:Boy kicks the bucket
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
6 August 2009
NORTONSVILLE, Kansas - In a shocking turn of events, history was made today as an event occurred for the very first time. No, those pigs didn't fly, and it wasn't a black man becoming president. It was, however, a boy who did something so amazing, so life-changing, the world as we know it almost stopped in time. A Kansas boy, Jerry Falway, kicked the bucket.
"It was so CRAZY!" said one onlooker. "It was even more amazing than that one time I saw a guy do a brain surgery blind-folded! I mean, some things are just cool, but this can be called REALLY FRICKIN AWESOME!!" Several other witnesses of the event have similar opinions to the event. "I watched it, and it was so cool and new that I almost pooped my pants. Wait, did I say that out loud? Crap. Uh, scratch that last one." said another onlooker.
The event took place around 3:28 afternoon in Nortonsville, Kansas in Jerry's back yard. Jerry, six years old, made history in a very simple way. He walked up to the bucket, put his leg back, and kicked it. However, this was no ordinary bucket; this was the bucket. This particular bucket was marked with a sign that read "No Kicking", which makes the event all the more amazing.
"No one has ever broken the rules," said Jerry's mother, Sandy. "Everyone abides by them. No one questions them. It's just... just.... it's just that way. If someone ever breaks one of those rules, they usual get killed by them or taken off somewhere in some unmarked van. But this time it was just so ground-breaking and boundary-pushing that they just let it slide. And, to make it even better, it was my son who did it! I feel so important!"
After the event, Jerry became a town celebrity. His home became swamped with paparazzi, and every aspect of his life became revealed. The media published all of his deepest secrets, like how he secretly watches Dora the Explorer and secretly plays with matches, even though he "is not allowed to". After the event, Jerry was given the key to the city by the mayor, John Longfellow. John was quoted saying "Today is a very special day; so special, in fact, that I'm giving away the key to the city. This person did some so amazing, and so defining, it has changed the course of history as we know it. Jerry Falway, a boy no older than six, did it all by himself. He kicked the bucket. And, so, without further ado, I give Jerry the key to the city!"
The key, weighing nearly twenty pounds, practically crushed Falway, who was later sent to the emergency room. He is currently in critical status and is undergoing several surgeries. The bucket which he kicked over is still on its side.