UnNews:Bob Marley, Eric Clapton Blamed for Wisconsin Massacre

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

8 October 2007

CRANDON, Wisconsin - A small town in northern Wisconsin was shaken to the bone after an off-duty sheriff's deputy, Tyler Peterson, shot and killed six people at a party Sunday morning. A seventh person was wounded by Deputy Peterson.

Deputy Peterson in December 2006.

Deputy Peterson arrived at the party early Sunday morning and shot seven people, all students or former students of Crandon High School; Peterson had also graduated from Crandon.

While Deputy Peterson was later shot and killed by a police SWAT team, questions, such as the cause and who the blame shall be placed on, are now the biggest concern of the town. While many locals are quick to blame violent video games and the glorified violence of television, one expert is pointing her finger squarely in the direction of another media: music. That expert? Dr. Melissa Heran, a board-licensed psychologist from Milwaukee, Wisconsin.

While music and musicians have long-been-blamed for massacres, such as The Columbine High School Massacre, no true expert has ever so fervently singled-out an artist and condemned them.

Are these two men to blame?

Arriving in Crandon this afternoon, Dr. Heran held a brief, public appearance, where she gave her opinion of the massacre. "If I had to blame someone for this massacre, just one person, I'd blame the deceased reggae musician, Bob Marley. And if I had to blame two people, I'd add Eric Clapton to that list," she told the gathered throng of townspeople.

She paused while the crowd cheered, then continued, "If only Mr. Marley (or Clapton) had not-only shot the sheriff, but had also fired his weapon at the deputy, killing him, as well, this tragedy could have been prevented. It's that sort-of singled-out, selective murder of law-enforcement officers that must be put to rest in this country. Lives are at stake here, people!"

Ice-T enjoying cold iced tea.

While most locals agree Dr. Heran, and many have fervently called for public effigy and record-burning of the two men she has blamed, one man, Todd L. Barnes, is completely unconvinced. Todd blamed a different musician for this tragedy, "Look, if you want to blame musicians, there's one man you can blame: Ice-T."

Even though the townspeople are, for the most part, completely unconvinced by Todd's argument, he was still seen passionately pleading with people at he local Steak & Shake, "Ice-T talks a lot of smack about cop-killing, but he obviously hasn't done all that he could do if this tragedy can occur in a smalltime American town."

Crandon authorities have yet to release the names of the victims, or give any real details of the shooting.