UnNews:Barry Manilow becomes New Zealand's best weapon

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17 February 2022

Why use the riot squad, when you can just play Barry Manilow songs?

WELLINGTON, New Zealand -- Kiwis inspired by the Canadian "Freedom Convoy" have camped out in front of the Parliament building in Wellington. Instead of sending in a team of Riot Squad officers to move the protestors along, or just nuking them, the New Zealand government decided to set up a speaker system to play Barry Manilow's Greatest Hits — that an intern bought for $5 at The Reject Shop.

The protestors, who are protesting whatever, blocked streets in the city — which pissed off even their own supporters, who were then stuck in traffic to attend the protest. Police arrested 122 people after asking them kindly to move. Despite the mass arrests, the protestors still stayed put. The authorities then had to revert to unorthodox tactics to try and get rid of the protesters. These involved turning on the water sprinklers on the lawn where they were camped. This, however, only made things more slippery and all the female attendees look like they were in a porno.

After police command realised that the sprinkler tactic did not work, they then offered protestors a free 30 minute session with a sheep of their choosing. A few protestors took the offer and left. They were then arrested for attempted bestiality. While on his coffee run, one of the interns for Parliament stumbled into The Reject Shop and picked up a copy of Barry Manilow's Greatest Hits which was on sale. Parliament Speaker Trevor Mallard then put his job title to good use and set up a large speaker system to play the CD. After 15 minutes of playing, with mostly "Macarena" played on repeat, not even members of The Police could handle the torture and quit on the spot. British singer James Blunt then chimed in on Twitter where he stated, "if Manilow doesn't work, I'll give you a few of my CDs free of charge to help out!".

With protestors soaked and their ears bleeding, they then surrendered. Deputy Prime Minister Grant Robertson told UnNews that there was a "sad element" to the protest, before smashing the Barry Manilow CD.