UnNews:Baghdad teens prepare to party
|
This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
6 November 2006
BAGHDAD, Iraq -- Iraqi authorities have begun to lift a round-the-clock curfew in Baghdad, a day after Saddam Hussein was sentenced to death for crimes against humanity. This has largely resulted in rockin' around the clock for Baghdad's teens, many of whom are ignoring Qu'ranic warnings against liquor consumption and partying like public school frat boys. College kids have been allowed back out into the capital and two other provinces, but vehicles remain banned until Tuesday morning, which has forced many kids to ride mass transit, which all know to be very unhip. Says "Baghdude" Suleyman bin Yazid al-Jabar, "Dood, I spent like tree grand on this crunk-ass 'Sclade, and these old farts say I can't drive nowhere. I was gonna set up some roadside bombs to screw wif the Imperialists and Murderers of the Prophet's blessed nephew, peace be upon him, but now I gotta stay home wif my homies. I can't do anything with mah girl till our weddin' next week, so I'm like, really bummed out, ya know?"
Streets had been deserted for two days in anticipation of the verdict. An automatic appeal will be launched against the sentence and is due to be heard by a panel of nine judges, all of whom, I was informed by Baghdad High students, were "lame-ass prudes."
The UnNews's JJ Cool in Baghdad says "activity wuz lyke alreddy returniong to tha streets b4 the partial lifting fo the curfew4g3. Police in Baghdad iz, lyke, allowing peoplez 2 make essential jurneyz lyke going 2 the hospital or buying the provisions from shops that had opened." But our correspondent says fears of an upsurge in violence remain, amid continuing anger among Iraqi Sunnis over the verdict.
The judgement has been met with mixed reactions in Iraq and around the world. Shortly after the verdict, there were jubilant scenes in Sadr City, a predominantly Shia ghetto of Baghdad, and in the holy city of Najaf. Umar bin-Hossein, a prominent Sadr Baghdude who all the time hangs in his crib, said, "Man, this be phat. I be jumpin' an' jivin' when I hear Saddam be in da slammah. I'ma go bust up some Sunni fool, aight!"
But in Saddam Hussein's home town of Tikrit there was fury, as supporters of the former president defied a curfew to parade with photographs of their hero. A veiled Tikrit High cheerleader who wishes to remain anonymous said, "Omigawsh, I'm like, totally scared that these heretics are like, killing our blessed leader. Saddam was like the coolest guy ever, he was captain of the football team and student body president in '54. He's the most happenin' kid our school ever produced, and I'm like, really sad the un-Islamic blasphemers are, like, being total fags."
Almost three years since his capture, soaring sectarian violence has brought Iraq to the brink of civil war - and correspondents say few Iraqis think the trial verdict will ease the conflict.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Ahman "Glorious leader mocked by heretics" Tikrit High Sentinel, 6 Nov 2006
- Ali "Follower of false Caliph faces absolute wrath of God" Najaf High PTA Newsletter, 6 Nov 2006