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Sunni days and Arabian Nights

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"They told me that it would be the best vacation, but it was the worst ever."

~Another unsatisfied customer on vacation packages from Vacations Vacations Vacations Vacations, LLC[1]
Vacations Vacations Vacations Vacations, LLC, providing tourists places that they probably shouldn't tour since 1932

Are you planning a vacation?

"Of course I am! If I spend one more day in this hellhole I'll friggin' lose it!" you yell, your entire body a quivering jelly of white collared 9-to-5 suburban rage.

Hold on. Relax, soon-to-be vacationer. Have you considered vacationing as a vacationer in Hawaii or Arizona?

"But I've already been to Hawaii; the islands were breathtaking but too hot, and I've already vacationed in Arizona; it was beautiful but too dry", you lament, mourning the wasted time that you spent at those those mediocre destinations.

Why not take those vacations and combine the best parts of each into the ultimate and most bestest vacation ever?

"Of course, that's the greatest idea ever!" you exclaim, dumbstruck with incredulousness.

Well, friend, Vacations Vacations Vacations Vacations, LLC has the all-inclusive[2] vacation package for you!

The Ultimate Vacation Package, Guaranteed![3]

What could be better than seeing carefully selected parts of this? Nothing, that's what.

Here, at Vacations Vacations Vacations Vacations, LLC,[4] our expert tourologists have come up with the ultimate vacation package; one that combines the best of Hawaii and Arizona!

Now, we know what you're thinking, "Sure, 'Vacations Vacations Vacations Vacations, LLC' says that they have the best vacation package ever. But the Midwest is too close, and the Far East is too far. Where, oh where, could this package from 'Vacations Vacations Vacations Vacations, LLC' possibly go that would satisfy my need to go someplace that's nice enough to visit but not nice enough to live?"

Well, vacation destination-pondering internally monologuing destinationless vacation planner, let us set your mind at ease by saying again that Vacations Vacations Vacations Vacations, LLC has the best vacation package ever. That's right, only we at Vacations Vacations Vacations Vacations, LLC have a vacation package that's both farther away than the Midwest but not as far away as the Far East.

What? That's not enough for you? Did we mention that it combines characteristics of Hawaii and Arizona? It's true! Our ultimate vacation package is to an area that's both too hot and too dry; the Middle East!..and not just the Middle East, but that sandy patch in the middle called Saudi Arabia!


"Just what's in this package?", you ask. Go ahead. We'll wait. "What's in this package?" WHAT'S IN THIS PACKAGE? How dare you ask us that question, you infidel dog![5]

"Just What's in this Package?"

Saudi models showing the latest in Shari'a approved beachwear

Thank you for asking, you wicked and depraved followers of an obsolete version of the One True God™{.[6] Here at Vacations Vacations Vacations Vacations, LLC, our all-inclusive package[7] includes thirty glorious days and nights in none of the finest hotels that the city of Jeddah has to offer.

Seaside Resort

"No shirt, no shoes...no problem." ~ Ancient Arabian Proverb

Just west of Mecca lays the Red Sea. Don't worry, it's not actually red. In fact, it's barely a sea. But you'll have better things to think about as you bask under the sun on one of the many sandy beaches by the sea. If you are aquaphobic, there's no need to fret; just go East, or Northeast, or Southeast a smidge and you'll find one of the plethora of beaches without a view of the water!

If you're feeling a bit randy, you disgusting product of corrupt Western culture,[8] be sure to take a detour to one of the plethora of fine nude beaches.

Just remember to laugh and play along with the antics of the fun loving Saudi children as they try to roll your pale and bloated body into the water after they innocently mistake you for a beached whale.

If you're exceptionally lucky[9] you'll have to opportunity to participate in the annual "Running of the Infidels". "When is that?", you ask. "When isn't it?" comes the vaguely threatening[10] reply. The American Embassy recommends that you remember to pack sensible shoes.

While in lovely Saudi Arabia you'll stay at the beautiful Ramadan Inn. A duly appointed representative of the House of Saud will escort you around and prevent you from interacting with the locals and sullying them with your obscene Zionist brainwashed, Jew loving American thoughts.[11]

Ramadan!

Ramadan, or Ramzan, is like Carnivale and Mardi Gras mixed together in a boiling pot of fundiemonium! With such activities as fasting and abstaining from sex during daylight hours, it's a whole month of fun for the entire family.

Just imagine what you could do with an entire month being pure of thought during your waking hours. You will finally have the time to memorize the Koran.[12] Plus, with no food from sunrise to sunset, you'll lose a bunch of weight, you morbidly obese American tourist you.[13]

Best of all, near the end of Ramadan comes the Laylat al-Qadr! Visit No-Bourbon Street on any or all of those ten glorious nights and throw strings of beads to the many modestly dressed and completely sober non-college girls. If you're lucky, they'll show you their tits. If not, you'll be beaten quite severely by their enraged fathers, who will be justly enraged that you attempted to lead their chaste daughters astray with your despicable Western ways.[14]

But don't worry, it's all in jest, and their knives, while sharp, aren't all that long. If there are two things for which the fine people of the Middle East are known, it's their sense of humor and relaxed, easy-going views on sex.

"Goddamn! They've got the McRib here! Honey, take a picture of me pretending to put it on that big rock over there."

Mecca

During Ramadan you'll get a chance to make the pilgrimage to Mecca; the spiritual heart of the Muslim faith.

Mecca[15] is a mecca for pilgrims seeking to cleanse their souls by circling the Ka'bah seven times. If you're truly devout you'll kiss the stone; like the Blarney Stone it is said to bring good luck.

But the best part of kissing the Ka'bah is that it tastes just like licorice. Yum!

After your pilgrimage you will, no doubt, be famished, so take some time out afterwards at the restaurant of that fine Western institution and proud corporate sponsor of Ramadan, McDonald's, that sits conveniently on the inner edge of the holy mosque center. Maybe after that you can hit a pub and pig out on a heaping plate of spareribs and wash them down with a cool pint of Heineken, like the uncivilized, disgusting animal that you are. You might even "get some" from someone to whom you aren't married, you barbarous beast![16]

In Closing

Book now, tickets are going fast! American money at par.[17]

Fineprint

  1. ↑ Censored by the Saudi Committee for Promotion of Tourism and Prevention of Whatever the Opposite of Tourism is
  2. ↑ Excluding airfare, hotel, meals and emergency telephone calls placed to the Embassy of your choice.
  3. ↑ Results not guaranteed. Any enjoyment of the Ultimate Vacation Package, as provided by Vacations Vacations Vacations Vacations, LLC, is purely coincidental. Your mileage may vary
  4. ↑ Vacations Vacations Vacations Vacations, LLC is a wholly owned subsidiary of International Global Worldwide, Inc
  5. ↑ Sorry, we're a little on edge right now. Forgive us, the emotions are running high here at "Vacations Vacations Vacations Vacations, LLC", what with the messy divorce of Bruce and Lisa and all. They seemed so happy together, you know? Deep breaths...<whaaa, woooo...whaaa, woooo>. Ah, that's better.
  6. ↑ Censored by the Saudi Committee for Promotion of Tourism and Prevention of Whatever the Opposite of Tourism is
  7. ↑ What? You didn't pay attention to the second footnote, did you?
  8. ↑ Censored by the Saudi Committee for Promotion of Tourism and Prevention of Whatever the Opposite of Tourism is
  9. ↑ Note: You are not lucky.
  10. ↑ Censored by the Saudi Committee for Promotion of Tourism and Prevention of Whatever the Opposite of Tourism is
  11. ↑ Censored by the Saudi Committee for Promotion of Tourism and Prevention of Whatever the Opposite of Tourism is
  12. ↑ It might help if you learn Arabic first, as the Koran is only holy in its original, true form. Only the unpure read it in a language for pigs, like English! Death to America! [1]!
  13. ↑ Censored by the Saudi Committee for Promotion of Tourism and Prevention of Whatever the Opposite of Tourism is
  14. ↑ Note: You are exceptionally lucky
  15. ↑ Conversion to Islam is required for entrance to the holy city. Appropriate forms are available from your local Mosque. We offer a 100% No-money back guarantee. Also, while deconversion from Islam is technically possible, the penalty for doing so varies wildly, depending on jurisdiction.
  16. ↑ Censored by the Saudi Committee for Promotion of Tourism and Prevention of Whatever the Opposite of Tourism is
  17. ↑ Western ideals, not so much.

Finerprint

^  Footnote censored by the Saudi Committee for Promotion of Tourism and Prevention of Whatever the Opposite of Tourism is

See also

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