UnNews:Asian trapped in vagina sculpture

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

24 June 2014

Onlookers helpfully took photos so the boy could be identified. Experts have been quick to note that, for some reason, the backpack makes it better.

A young Asian-American exchange student had to be rescued after being trapped inside a giant sculpture of a vagina in Berlin, possibly after attempting some kind of summer-solstice rebirth ceremony, or maybe just trying to get off.

The rapscallion, who has yet to be named (but whose photo we provide just in case he's on your Facebook or something) had spent much of the night drinking, and apparently dived into the vagina without any kind of sexy talk, dimmed lighting, or foreplay.

The fire service was called, and no less than twenty-two of Berlin's finest attended the scene. Three firefighters were required to carry the industrial size jar of KY jelly which was used to lube up the 140lb victim and facilitate movement inside the vagina. Allegedly the firefighters had to raise the chap, changing his angle in relation to the vagina, and ease him back and forth, working in the KY, before they had any joy. It took 20 minutes to finish the job.

Meanwhile, the other 19 firefighters stood around filming him, and saying things like, "He got in a bit of a flap" and "He had it coming". Initial reports said the man was unharmed, although some witness suggested he had a nasty gash on his leg.

Students, who had also gathered around the sculpture (which, given that it's outside the university's institute for microbiology and virology might mean this whole thing is a moral play about contracting sexually transmitted diseases while studying abroad) were also less than sympathetic.

"Midsummer night is a big deal in Berlin," one local student told us, "People drink and get wild and stuff, but that's no excuse for this guy to act, well, like a massive dick."

Two sassy female African American exchange students approached us with one saying, "He was stuck in that thing for an hour and I'll bet he still didn't find no clitoris or no g-spot", before her friend added, "Girl, this is the first time I heard of an Asian being too big for a vagina."

Sources

• Leverage, "US student is rescued from giant vagina sculpture in Germany" Guardian, 25 October 2023