UnNews:Amateur wrestler arrested on animal cruelty charges

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5 July 2010

Man (on left) alleged to have murdered and maimed millions of hapless kitties.

WESTFORD, Massachusetts -- A local man was arrested today on charges of animal cruelty, and is being held at Middlesex Community College on one million dollars bond. Reggie "Cantankerous" Bellamy was taken into custody as he was setting up an illegal Man-Cat death match between himself and captured stray cats, for the amusement of handicapped people. He was cuffed in front of his family and led to a police cruiser parked in a nearby culvert, where hordes of militant vegetarians tried to yank Bellamy away from the police, presumably to rip him apart.

Lieutenant Ray McGoohan of the Massachusetts State Police told UnNews, "We've been following this case very closely. We also plan to present evidence that Mr. Bellamy's gambling operation is tied to organized crime, and have called in the FBI for a joint investigation."

Bellamy, an unemployed bank president, isconsidered an eccentric by neighbors. "He sets his lawn on fire every other Thursday in the summers, and throws cat carcasses on the flames. I guess to get rid of evidence," said one woman who lives behind his back yard. "Drives us crazy".

If found guilty, Bellamy could face 40 years in prison, or be eaten by Komodo dragons.