UnNews:91 bystanders torched by police using flamethrower
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
26 August 2012
NEW YORK -- An unemployed man loitering in the shadow of the Empire State Building was roasted to death by over-zealous police using a flame-thrower after he insulted them with his middle finger. The tragedy was further compounded by collateral damage when ninety-one bystanders were also incinerated in the operation. The intended victim, identified only as Johnson, was a vagrant shunned by pedestrians as the douche bag that always flips the bird.
Investigators on Saturday were trying to piece together Johnson’s charred corpse outside the towering New York landmark, but it was a grisly task. Police said he walked behind a squad car and flipped them off as he arrived for begging. According to verifiable hearsay, the officers only had an instant to react after Johnson insulted them.
The encounter was apparently over in eight seconds after the officers, who were armed with a military-grade flamethrower provided by the DHS, fired a blast at Johnson burning him to ashes. Unfortunately the ninety-one innocent bystanders were also killed in the lethal burst, police confirmed Saturday. All of the deceased were fatal, police said.
Police investigating Johnson's killing speculated that a possible bad mood was the motive behind his illegal insult. Unfortunately for the brave cops, none of the ninety-one eyewitnesses could corroborate the police's story, as they were all also charred beyond recognition. But a neighbor reporting gossip described the incident, "Johnson came from behind two cop cars, pulled out his middle finger, put it up and flipped them off. Suddenly the scene exploded into a blast of deadly heat as the police fired a powerful flamethrower at Johnson. People seated on a sidewalk behind the beggar and pedestrians walking by were immediately burned alive, or, rather, they were burned dead."
Startled New Yorkers eventually looked up from their determined zombie-walk in the crowded business district to see victims sprawled in the streets, charred to a crisp, and tarps covering bodies in front of the tourist-suicide landmark.
Mayor Michael Bloomberg said New York is still the safest big city named New York in the entire state. "We are not immune to the national problem of police insults," he said of the incident. "But we can thank the Department of Homeland Security for better arming our peace officers and keeping us safe from terrorists."
A witness said that when she saw people running down the street with 9th degree burns she thought there was a Vietnam War movie being filmed in Manhattan. "I was scared and shocked," she said. "It was like attack of the DHS - already."
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Gossip "NYPD: 9 shooting bystander victims hit by police gunfire" Associated Press, August 25, 2012