UnNews:23,000 police officers are actually ice-cream salesmen

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

30 December 2012

Phil Cassidy is very happy after his sales have gone up by 30 per cent.

LONDON,England -- An investigation into the British police force found that more than 23,000 officers are in fact ice-cream salesmen. The figure has soared by a massive amount of almost 55.4 per cent in a single year. It raises serious questions about whether officers’ ice-cream interests conflict with their police duties.

Prime Minister David Cameron, has stated his concern on the matter: "How are we supposed to feed children the best quality ice-cream if the salesmen are doing their job half-heartedly? It disgusts me to think that these salesmen can sleep contentedly at night, knowing that being a police officer will mean that they can't deliver the best ice-cream they possibly can."

Police officers also have things to say about selling ice-cream. Two of the most respected detectives in the force, the cream of the crop, Phil Cassidy and Victor Vance, have released statements. "While on a stakeout, I pass the time by selling our ice-cream" said Cassidy' 'I sell them to the suspects, to the victims, to everybody"

"I only joined the police to make my dad proud, but my heart and soul belong to selling ice-cream" explained Vance. "I remember the first time I had ice-cream. It was rainy day, in a morgue with the head of a drug dealing operation. He bought me strawberry with a flake and ever since, I have always loved ice-cream."

However, some members of the public don't feel the same way. One Officer from the Counter Auto Theft has come under heavy criticism. Janet Fields said: "I bought an ice cream from Officer Travers for a tenner. That's just highway robbery."

Arrest rates have dropped and there have been multiple sightings of police officers fighting each other over territory. "It's disgusting," said one witness. "They take no prisoners."

Sources

• IFYMB!, "Scandal of 23,000 police who have two jobs: Officers face new curbs on moonlighting as figure soars by nearly 20% in a year" Daily Mail, 29 December 2012

Quasi-Featured Article (19 October 2014) 

This article was nominated to become a featured article; however, due to several votes being devoured by a Svirfneblin, it didn't make the cut (6/10). Don't let this happen again! For just pennies a day, you can prevent another travesty of this nature, or vote for other articles at Uncyclopedia:VFH.