UnNews:”Spoiled Votes” declared surprise winner of Zimbabwean Presidential run-off

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

30 June 2008

Mugabe (pictured) is reported to be furious. He has locked himself in the bathroom and is not coming out.

ZIMBABWE, Africa - The nation of Zimbabwe was thrown into a state of mild bewilderment with the surprise announcement that “Spoiled Votes” topped the poll in the recent Presidential election. This result follows the widespread violence and general unpleasantness that followed the first round election, which Zimbabwean intelligence sources believe was rigged by opposition leader Morgan Tsvangeri.

In what has been described by many as “a good turnout for a sham election”, it has emerged that more votes were spoiled than were cast for incumbent President Robert Mugabe. “Spoiled Votes” is said to be delighted with the outcome:

”I know I am more of an electoral phenomenon than an actual physical entity, but I still think I can do a good job of running the country,” he said. ”I mean, we have had decades of rule by sentient physical beings and look how that turned out! I think it is time we let non-physical phenomena have a go.”

Brutal murderous despot and all-round dickhead Robert Mugabe is reported to be angered at the result. ”This is not the result I set up,” he said. Sources close to the President say that upon hearing the news he flew into a fit of rage, which culminated in Mugabe spilling apple juice all down his front.

Most observers believe that the spoiled votes were a protest against President Mugabe. One Zimbabwean, Charles Bongobongo said: ”Yeah, I think there was a lot of anger out there.” However, the President-elect does not go along with this analysis:

”No, I don't think it was a protest vote,” he told reporters. ”I think the people looked at my fiscal policy, my education policy and my policy of not starving my own people to death - and it spoke to them.”

Meanwhile, opposition leader Morgan Tsvangeri has drawn further criticism from media people in their nice cosy offices for his decision to pull out of the race rather than allow himself, his family and all of his supporters to be killed. Shame on him, says this reporter.

“Spoiled Votes” is set to be sworn in as President tomorrow, assuming he isn't murdered in his sleep, which he almost certainly will be.