UnGames:Choose your own adventure/subpages

You are logging on to Uncyclopedia to read what you can about Choose Your Own Adventure, a 1980s book series that transported children to magical lands filled with homicidal maniacs, man-eating bears, totalitarian governments and human sacrifice. You have always wanted to know what the deal was with Mountain Survival, that really fucked-up you-are-starving-to-death-on-a-mountain book your grandma bought for you when you were eight.

You've got some time to kill.

As you read through various pages, you see a cave entrance. Ignoring it, you click ahead.

"Wait," says Dr. Nera Vivaldi, a woman with a bowl-haircut and an unspecified PhD. "Maybe we should go in."

Who the hell is that? you think, but then you look back at the cave. You've got some time to kill.

• If you go into the cave, turn to page 12.
• If you decide to go to work, turn to page 22.
• If you wonder what the fuck is going on go away.

Choose Your Own Adventure Page 12

Why not? you think. You vaguely remember that making moral choices would usually lead you toward the end.

You walk into the cave, with Dr. Vivaldi right on your heels. The natural lighting is pretty impressive, and you are able to view several wonderful stalactites.

Hey, he's got a PhD, too, Dr. Vivaldi. And yet he got stranded on a desert island. Dumbass.

"Stalagmites," Dr. Vivaldi immediately says.

"No, I'm pretty sure they're stalactites," you reply.

"Who's got the PhD?" she says. "OK, everyone with a PhD raise your hands . . . oh, hey, look at that."

As you reflect on why Dr. Vivaldi came along in the first place, the light suddenly goes out, and the cave descends into darkness. It is very dark. You are likely to be eaten by a grue.

• If you proceed further into the cave, turn to page 17.
• If you panic, stab Dr. Vivaldi and turn her into a crude tent, turn to page 86.
• If you panic and run off, turn to page GS.

Choose Your Own Adventure Page 1337

You just lost the game.

Choose Your Own Adventure Page 15

You easily jump through the hoop. The U-TY change color. A large roast turkey appears before you.

SIT.

You reach for the turkey, but it floats up in the air.

SIT.

Wait for it . . .Wait for it . . .

You sit, and suddenly the turkey is forced into your mouth. Another turkey appears, and you reach for it when Dr. Vivaldi speaks up.

"We demand you return us to Earth."

The turkey disappears, and the U-TY change color again. You start growling at Dr. Vivaldi.

YOU MAKE NO DEMANDS OF THE U-TY. THE U-TY CAN PREDICT YOUR EVERY MOVE, IN EVERY REALITY. IF WE RETURN YOU TO EARTH, IN THREE YEARS YOU WILL BE WORKING RETAIL. IF WE CONTINUE ON COURSE, IN FIVE MINUTES WE WILL GIVE YOU SOME LEFTOVERS YOU WILL LICK UP AS THOUGH IT WERE AMBROSIA. NOTHING YOU DO IS UNKNOWN TO US. NOTHING.

• If you scream "DEAL -- OR NO DEAL?" turn to page 92.
• If you drop a rhyme, turn to page 45.
• If you throw your head back and laugh, turn to page 76.

Choose Your Own Adventure Page 17

You continue feeling your way through the cave. Although it's dangerous to proceed in the dark, you've already read ahead to see that the other choice is a dead end.

As you continue walking, your foot suddenly gives way. You're falling! Frantically you make several pathetic bargains with God to spare your life. You promise to be nicer to Dr. Vivaldi when you suddenly land on a mattress. A second later, Dr. Vivaldi falls in after you.

"Wow," says Dr. Vivaldi, conspicuously adjusting her white lab coat, "that landing sure had a high degree of difficulty. Ha! Ha! Ha!"

You whip out a knife in preparation for suicide when three glowing spheres appear before you. Suddenly a voice fills your mind -- you understand it clearly, but you can't hear it!

It pretty much resembles you.

WE ARE U-TY. WE HAVE GATHERED YOU AND OTHER HUMANS FOR OUR INTERGALACTIC ZOO. YOU WILL BE PUT ON DISPLAY IN OUR SPECIAL "EARTH: WET AND WILD!" EXHIBIT. WE SPENT $34 MILLION ON IT. WE WILL CHARGE CHILDREN $25 TO ENTER. WE HAVE CREATED PLUSH ANIMALS RESEMBLING YOU.

A hoop suddenly appears before you.

• If you jump through the hoop, turn to page 15.
• If you balance the U-TY on your nose, perform a back flip and land on Dr. Vivaldi's shoulders, turn to page 27.

Choose Your Own Adventure Page 18

After 24 hours of waiting, Doctor Vivaldi turns round to talk to you,

"You know there's something that I think we overlooked about this plan..." she says.

"What? The fact that the doctor doesn't exist?" you say quite calmly, "I didn't overlook it! I knew perfectly well about that, I just thought all the other ideas were stupid."

That’s when it goes black and your last though is, "How did she manage to lift the console to hit me?"

The End

Choose Your Own Adventure Page 22

That cave will still be there after you get back, you think. You hop into your car and drive out the office, trying to explain your absences over the last few weeks.

As you pull into the parking lot, you see a squad of men with a roadblock around your office. They have two signs up:

• TOTALITARIAN FREEDOM FOREVER and
• WHEN THUGS PRESENT -- FINES DOUBLED

Just then, your boss is led out of the building at gunpoint.

"Steve!" you yell. "What happened?"

"A series of foreign invasions, insurrections and civil wars," he replies. "This morning, the United States broke up into three distinct countries -- Dorado, Rebellium and Turtalia. Rebellium is just a plot cul-de-sac. All you need to know is that Dorado Death Squads have taken over the building."

As he speaks, a tough looking Doradan brandishes a pistol at you, and smiles.

Who names a country "Turtalia?" you think as he pulls the trigger.

The End

Choose Your Own Adventure Page 27

Taking your jacket off, you grab one of the U-TY. Placing it on your nose, you roll it to the top of your head and all the way down to your neck before sending it down your arm, throwing it into the air and gamely kicking it. As you turn the back flip and land on Dr. Vivaldi's shoulders, you suddenly feel woozy and collapse.

You briefly regain consciousness and hear the U-TY.

THE HUMANS WENT MAD AND ATTACKED ONE OF THEIR HANDLERS. THEY'RE GOING TO HUMAN HEAVEN, WHERE THEY CAN CHASE EACH OTHER ALL DAY AND HUMP WHOEVER THEY WANT. THEY'LL BE A LOT HAPPIER.

The End

Choose Your Own Adventure Page 32

You plan to land the UFO and try to press a button that says: "Caution." A Voice inside the cockpit starts to say: "YOU HAVE PRESSED THE SELF-DESTRUCT BUTTON YOU WILL DIE IN 10 SECONDS"

With only 10 seconds to live the only thing you think is "Why would Aliens build a Self-Destruct sequence in a UFO?"

The UFO blows up and you and the Doctor die.

The End

Choose Your Own Adventure Page 45

"Give me a beat, Dr. Vivaldi," you say. Dr. Vivaldi starts slapping her chest. You pimp-roll toward the U-TY and start dropping some South Bronx on them:

You're the U-TY; that's Dr. V,

And I'm your man MC E-Z

Spreading like infections

I win playa elections

To my place we'll go

I'll probe you like a UFO

And cruise in my caddy -- so

You need a plan

You need a man

Want a life that's breezy?

Call me -- MC E-Z.

The U-TY are silent for a moment, then their voice fills your mind.

YOUR RHYMES ARE SHIT

YOUR FLOW IS WORSE

GET ON THE TABLE

AND I'LL GET THE HEARSE.

The End

Choose Your Own Adventure Page 48

"Don't touch that!' Dr. Vivaldi yells, bitchslapping you away from the console.

Sulking, you retreat into a corner as she fiddles with the buttons. Then, when she's not looking, you run up to the console and press the death ray button. Dr. Vivaldi throws you down.

"Bitch, please, what did I say?” she asks. "I'm fucking busy and trying to save your life."

Outside, a thin green ray appears. Faint at first, it soon grows in intensity, and suddenly lurches toward Earth. As it reaches the atmosphere, it makes an abrupt U-Turn and destroys the moon.

Dr. Vivaldi slaps you again. "Now we'll never be able to build a moon base!" she yells. "Now we'll actually have to feed the hungry. That's it -- I'm throwing you out the airlock."

As oxygen slowly goes through the pores of your body you vaguely remember the pesky Russians were on the moon and maybe it wasn't such a bad thing... blowing up the moon that is.

The End

Choose Your Own Adventure Page 67

You push a button helpfully labeled COMMUNICATE. You and Dr. Vivaldi spend several hours ordering pizzas you do not plan to pick up and making prank calls before you shape up and call NASA. In minutes, you have Mission Control on the phone.

"Everything will be fine," a friendly-sounding man on the other end says. "We should have a video hook-up established soon. From what you've told us, the ship shouldn't be too difficult to land. We've got our best engineers working on this, and as soon as we have a plan, we'll get in touch with you."

The screen goes blank. You and Dr. Vivaldi smile.

An hour later, the screen suddenly lights up, and the two of you walk up to it. There are an assortment of charts and videos on the far wall; in front of it stretches a table, with about a dozen well-dressed men and women around it. A man with black glasses, a white mane of hair and a friendly face steps in front of the camera and looks into it.

"AAAAAAAAA!" he yells. "Kill it! Kill it!"

You look out the window and see 12 ICBMs heading toward your position. You've always wondered what you would do when faced with imminent death -- what you would want to do, and what you could do as your grip on mortality slipped. You look at Dr. Vivaldi.

"Let's call Pizza Hut again," you say.

The End

Choose Your Own Adventure Page 76

You do what you always do to induce laughter: You think of Troop Beverly Hills. At first, you cough, but then you're laughing, and then you're laughing very hard. The U-TY fill your mind.

COME ON. THAT MOVIE WASN'T FUNNY WHEN YOU WERE SIX.

Ignoring the voice, you double over, trying to catch your breath. You reach out and try to hold onto Dr. Vivaldi for support, but she gently steps away from you. Ignoring her, you roll onto the ground, grabbing your sides.

THIS IS ONE SERIOUSLY MESSED-UP MAMMA JAMMA. THE U-TY CAN NOT UNDERSTAND HOW ANYONE WOULD FIND ANY OF SHELLY LONG'S POST-CHEERS WORK FUNNY.

Suddenly, the balls fade, and disappear.

Finally catching your shit, you wipe a tear from your eye and get up. You finally take a look around the room; you appear to be in a cockpit of some kind. Outside, you see Earth. Dr. Vivaldi rushes over.

Earth, shown life-size.

"Can you work the controls?" you ask.

"I don't know," she says. "I mean, this thing has gone from The Cave of Time to Inside UFO 54-40, and I'm not in either of those books. But from what I learned in The Third Planet From Altair, these 12,000 controls really leave us only two choices: attempt to contact NASA or just land this thing."

"NASA may try to shoot us down if we contact them," Dr. Vivaldi adds. "But we might not be able to land without their help."

"Good point", you say "Now who was that guy who traveled in time in a police box?"

"What? Doctor Who?" she says, "That’s worth a try"

• If you attempt to land this thing, turn to page 32.
• If you push the button labeled "Death Ray," turn to page 48.
• If you call NASA, turn to page 67.
• If you decide to try reaching the doctor, turn to page 18.

Choose Your Own Adventure Page 86

Dr. Vivaldi proves exceptionally effective at keeping the rain off your head, and you're pleasantly surprised at how she retains warmth this deep into the cave. You turn off your lamp, and lie down to sleep. A few hours later, a grue eats you.

"But wait!" you yell as head down the grue's gullet. "I thought you hated light!"

"Do you know that old saying -- better to light a noodle than curse the darkness?" the grue says, holding your matchbook before you. "Well, I guess you could say you were 'outmatched.'"

My God, you think. A smirking grue.

The End

Choose Your Own Adventure Page 92

"Now, look at the board," you say. "Three big amounts still in play. You know that $750,000 could still be in your case. But -- this is a good offer. This is money that can change your life. So, U-TY of Amarillo, Texas: Deal . . . or No Deal?"

The U-TY are silent for a moment. Then there is a flash before your eyes, and you find yourself back outside the cave. Dr. Vivaldi is there, too.

"Your lame trick worked!" she said. "The U-TY were so disgusted by that obvious cultural reference that they tried to get as far away from us as possible! That was wonderful!"

"Yeah," you say. "It just kind of came to me."

The two of you stand awkwardly outside the cave for a few minutes.

"Well, I, uh, better get to work," you finally say. You start walking away, but Dr. Vivaldi follows.

"Don't you have a job?" you ask.

"No," Dr. Vivaldi says. "My PhD is in English."

The End

Choose Your Own Adventure Page GS

You try not to panic, but you fail miserably. You run off deeper into the cave, and into a side cave. You can hear Dr. Vivaldi yelling "Come back! It's not safe!" He is promptly eaten by a grue.

There you see the most ornate sword you've EVER seen. It even has a faint green glow around it. Your curiosity takes over, as you reach for it.

As soon as you touch it, you faint.

A little while later, you hear a van pulling up, a door opening and shutting, then footsteps. You are lying flat on your face, and you sense you are not in a cave anymore.

To find out where you are, close the book.