UnBooks:Upbeat Aptitude

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This article is old and may not reflect the current state of affairs, which may be worse.[1]

The world should be enlightened, purged of all shadows and darkness; the world should be meticulously clean, stripped of all germs and pests; and the world should be a wonderful delight, inhabited by the purest fidelity. And so the sun sympathetically scanned the land of love; and so the lively city prospered in forever heyday; and so hopeful I lay, drifting carefree in eternal joy and fulfillment.

Residence[edit | edit source]

Place a color inverse filter over my anguish, and I shall rejoice!

My grand mansion was a picturesque place. Here, I always sleep on my back under a homey yellow light, my own gasses clouding myself in a dream-like atmosphere. There was not space to move, but I could think positive and change the world!

That was, however, all before 8 o'clock this morning, when I was punctually thrown out of my one-cubic-meter residence for being unable to pay the rent. As the door to my sweet home closed behind me, I couldn't help feeling slightly frustrated, for I could no longer train my gymnastic ability there; and my belongings were also left behind. But that was okay: I was again free, ready to start a new chapter of my exciting life, weighed down by nothing that may slow my advancing steps to success. For one who holds hope, things only get better.

Backstory[edit | edit source]

Ever since scientists discovered microbes to be the causative agent of disease in the 19th century, humans have viewed the world differently. They developed a very healthy fear of germs, and rushed to burn any perceived grime to the ground. However, seeing that fire is not always economical, companies soon raced to develop novel antimicrobial agents to destroy all microbes. "Whoever kills more microbes makes more money!" Rallied under the call of the lucrative endeavor, a series of highly effective broad-spectrum antibiotics were developed; arcanin,[2] our first messiah, was one of them.

Repercussion[edit | edit source]

Singing Baby loudly to express my gratitude of the change, I bade farewell to my sweet apartment. The match box apartments have no windows, since their owners have sunshine in their brain. Even if it looked like a scaled down battery cage, I will savor the memories of the cozy floor and warm flatulence, which I will always regurgitate and ruminate on.

Standing on the sidewalk, I rejoiced my brilliant life: an artificial breeze brought the aroma of synthetic grape flavor, exactly the same as I remembered from my childhood. Under the sky blue as a fairy tale and clouds flawless as angels' butts, with uplifting spirits, I decided to optimistically beg for a meal. Everyone has their difficult times, and I believe that delightful days will eventually come to me.

However, as I set eyes down the whole cityscape, I noticed the ground was covered with a layer of impoverished people, positive spirits just like me. They were probably performing a concert, and must be so devoted that they sang with frowning faces and gaping mouths. Some, curiously, were not moving, their faces crimson, violet and turquoise. I greeted them all equally, for I was a detoxified being without any discrimination. In a living sea of my kind writhing with a thousand excited limbs, I was no longer lonely with all the friends around; there was not even the risk of contagion, for they, like me, were too thoroughly cleansed without a trace of germs.

Begone![edit | edit source]

Before arcanin, the world stank: food could spoil within hours, cities emitted dreadful miasma. Not in the modern world, where humans are surrounded by 100% natural fat-free fragrances, benzene and carbon tetrachloride and 2-aminobenzoic acid methyl ester.

However, as massive amounts of arcanin were slathered in road asphalt, plumbing linings, and processed food (Chips that boost immunity!), bakers and brewers soon started to complain of diminishing quality of bread and wine: the yeast used in the fermentation was not exempted from the mighty arcanin. However, as the general public learned about the presence of microbes in their food, demonstrations and riots razed against the "microbial tyranny"; then was an age of heroes and a sanitation revolution, in which the people took direct action and suggested politely that the companies remove microbial-origin foods. The companies gladly followed.

Before that, science was a hoax, specially designed to downplay the microbial threat. Oblivious of the putrefying germ corpses in their food, people would fall ill, seek treatment, and generate revenue for the Big Science. Just as a clean food industry and a cleaner world thrived, I was born to witness a flawless society.

Recte![edit | edit source]

Back from recollection of the good old days, I was aroused for the memory of global cleanness. Then I was suddenly grasped by a fit of contraction, lovely, cathartic. Feeling the excitement in my veins and the warmth on my trousers, I knew I had defecated. As always, I was exhilarated at the smooth passage and the sensation of inner cleanness afterwards; I silently rejoiced my great appreciation of this ingenious bodily function.

Then I took off my trousers and affectionately inspected the stool. Excrement of adolescence it was, with a fair curvature that reminded me of all the good things in the world. The valuable lesson I learned was to pay attention to every piece of joy throughout life. In the joy of existence, my heart sang.

Belief[edit | edit source]

When I was born, the world's greatest thinkers took an enlightening step: if unknown biochemical impurities had caused disease, they postulated, would it be possible that unknown psychological impurities were the root cause of the various societal ills? Dishonesty, psychopathy, extremism, lack of humor... If controlled, wouldn't the world be a better place?

With the antiseptic market gradually saturating, the pharmacies took a bold step: they pushed through Ynolthryxil, a "nootrophic" that could engineer the brain and instantly wipe out the malaise of modernity. People went bananas, having found the Viagra of their age. Countless other new medications followed, which eventually combined into OTC "chemical cocktails" that minimized "maladaptive human temperamental traits". Humans finally eliminated sin and crime for virtues and justice.

Rectification[edit | edit source]

As I savored the blissful post-defecation vacancy, a slight hunger reminded me that I have not eaten for two days. I giggled at the foamy feeling tickling my stomach, which greatly boosted my motivation. What an elegant self-help technique! I might even consider starving myself to increase my productivity in the future. Immediately, I decided to search for a job.

Soon, waving goodbye to all my friends, I jumped into my new work uniform, adorned with a smiling human figure. "Our logo shows the deep-rooted history of the company. Steakhouses have cows in their logos, burger franchises have chicken in theirs, and we use the powerful imagery of human happiness to exemplify our global mission." My workplace trainer told me proudly, "Our company values sustainable development. We support the environment through constant work of recycling, regenerating food by taking in unused masses of proteins and fats of organic origin." I listened with intent, nodding copiously like a piston, feeling borderless wisdom course through me.

She explained, "Our company back up over 3 trillion customers. Whether a potluck, a busy workday dinner, or a nighttime craving, we provide them the best-quality meat products." She instructed me to wash my hands, rub disinfectants on all exposed skin, and cut off the nails; then she handed me a pair of gloves. "We are committed to the health of our customers and employees. Within 13 years of operation, not a single case of contamination has gone public." She told me proudly, her eyes glittering with devotion and excitement,

I followed her to the heart of the production area. A gargantuan machine loomed over me. Above us the fluorescent light hummed softly; somewhere, a truck dumped off a squishy load.

Benefit[edit | edit source]

Overthrow the bacteria TYRANNY! HATEHATEHATEHATEHATE!

When I was young, there was a staphylococcus outbreak, in which a strain developed arcanin resistance and caused a pandemic. However, under the collaborative efforts of selfless healthcare workers and civilians, the situation was rapidly brought under control. Scientists were enraged and swore revenge. They developed replicative cellular automata that predate exclusively on bacteria and fungi to obliterate them, completely replace them and occupy their ecological niche.

Humans won! Life expectancy soared, gastronomy climbed to unprecedented heights, plant tissue culture became a household hobby, and one could walk around freely with a ruptured appendix.

Throughout my childhood, news on the environment were very positive. Some sentences gave lighthearted riddles. "Nature's gene pool shifting toward high intelligence." "Mesmerizing simplification of the ecology of Earth solves nature's mysteries." "Ratio of human biomass to wildlife biomass approaching infinity."

But I also grew up in rumors. Anti-development terrorist groups roosted upon shady sites and coughed up decayed propaganda to serve the masses; they were the "fighters of Earth", the forgers of data, the fellators of cash.

With disregard to reason they rooted for "microbiomes"; ridden by overdue teenage angst, they committed sabotage and arson to lawful companies deemed to harm Nature; possessed by demons, they called against production and technology.

Fortunately, the dissenters were a minority, and had been the target of public reeducation. But they spread their sacrilegious views everywhere, and whenever I witnessed these insidious distortion of truth, my heart bled. Acting out of further disruption, the most common theories kept lamenting that "food chains" were being broken, but I still didn't see the point: chains only limit our actions, and I have seen the city grow and prosper, unchained.

Revel[edit | edit source]

Extreme prosperity brought about high demand, then mass automation; versatile "molecular printers" have evolved to extrude food with sub-micrometer resolution and controlled compositional precision. In this dewy factory, one such enormity sat squarely before me; painted only by decades of humble devotion, she was beautiful. And when such machines break down, human power must used to spin the handles.

Seeing the ground meat extrude with a metallic sheen from the nozzle, I gradually changed my mind: food companies have made food a true form of art, and full recycling a breeze. In addition, this company could stuck to traditional values and opt for hand-processing, willing to put the customers first! Thinking, I couldn't help spinning the handle faster and faster, putting my entire arm, body and soul into this fun job.

I was honored to join a standard canteen dinner with perfectly processed ground meat, accompanied by a TV broadcast about "countering allegations of prion contamination in company products". It was so fulfilling to enjoy the gain of my own labor. Halfway through the meal, the mechanics came through the front door, followed by the job trainer, laughing all the way as they accepted their lean sumptuous servings. It seems they have fixed the machine; I couldn't help feeling slightly discouraged by the looming unemployment, but I soon cheered myself up with my unbounded future possibilities to acquire multidisciplinary skills.

Beginning of an end[edit | edit source]

That day, dad took me to the Recovery Department as my birthday gift.

"Primary adolescent avolition," the attending physician condemned, having processed my profuse agony behind his reflexive glasses. Dad nodded. The doctor continued, "It seems that your child is confused about sex; common for this time, as people get too attracted to machines. This, however, can still be countered with proper sex education." Pushing his glasses, he prescribed me medications. I didn't want them.

"Don't worry," his words were grape-flavored breeze, "You're eating your meals well, right? Medications to you are just like food. You eat them to stay healthy. They are the guardians of health."

Review of the day[edit | edit source]

On a sea of their own kind people sang and danced, waving like windscreen brushes and spinning like electric fans, calling out in exalted voices and inviting me to join them.

No more microbes, no more putrefaction or disease; living with medicated morals, trust was no longer difficult to attain; most importantly, the world was free from stress – everything was so easy. I took a stroll along the streets, and slept on the sea of humans when tired.

After a few hours of sound sleep, I woke up with the most uplifting spirits. The sun was so bright that it could go open circuit; its comforting streaks flowed along the cracked walls and the lively ground. Suddenly the windows in the microwave-sized apartments flung open, then men and women flew out like waterfalls, piling up on the sidewalk - it was 8 o'clock again. How happy I was! I always liked to meet new people and bond with them. I pranced toward them on wings powered by endless hope, in the middle of this wholesome, joyful world.

Notes[edit | edit source]

  1. A sick mind produced this article (the circumstances helped). Oh well. Also, sorry about the missing history revisions, I didn't know how to use this site back then.
  2. "Arcane" + "-in", chemical substance affix, meaning magically effective antibiotic. Not the Pokémon.