UnBooks:Chapter One
Introduction
Welcome! Please note that we used an exclamation point to emphasize how amazing the journey of reading our textbook will be. Exclamation points can also give the illusion that something is more "exciting" than it actually is. Publishers will never buy anything targeted to children or students if you can't somehow weasel the word "exciting" into your pitch, regardless of what you're peddling. (NOTE: This is the only thing of any value in the real world that you will learn from this textbook.)
So yeah, we also want to congratulate you on taking this great leap forward in your academic career. Please take a look at the breathtaking picture on the right and the beautiful Robert Frost quote we've shared with you. Neither of them may have anything to do with the subject of this textbook, but they can both serve as a wonderful metaphor for all the ways we claim that this textbook will enrich your life, both inside and outside of the classroom.
And finally we'd like to extend to you our warmest thanks and gratitude. Whether you realize it or not, your reading of this textbook is helping a few select people continue getting richer and richer.
Guide to reading this textbook
We'd like to share some useful tips to help you navigate your journey of reading this textbook. The first thing that we'd........ok, seriously, why are you reading this chapter? We know for a fact that it wasn't assigned reading. No teacher ever assigns anything from the first chapter of any textbook. We only put this fluff in here to make the damn thing longer so we can pretend we worked harder. This section is a "guide to reading this textbook", it's a fucking textbook! You flip to the pages your teacher assigned, read the first and last sentence of every paragraph, and then maybe answer a few questions. There's an index at the very back which you'll never use. Just before the index is a glossary which will have the definitions of the obscure terms and vernacular we've thrown at you; you'll find what you're looking for about 40% of the time. If this is a math textbook, the answers to the odd-numbered problems will be somewhere in the back as well. But you already knew all of this. The fact that you're still reading can only mean one of two things: you're either pretending to work in front of your teacher, or you're being held captive and tortured by the KGB. If the former is the case, just keep daydreaming about getting home to play Grand Theft Auto and try to stop staring at that chick who sits right next to you; she's already caught you twice today. If the latter is the case, flip to page 364 where you'll find the blueprints to the Lubyanka as well as some helpful Russian prison slang words defined and spelled out phonetically. You might have to abandon your dignity, if you catch our drift, but your life might depend on it. So just go with the flow and try daydreaming about getting home to play Grand Theft Auto.
Subject matter of this textbook
The subject matter of this textbook is an extremely popular and important one. This subject is offered in some form or another at nearly every academic institution around the world. A recent poll of twelve students who got an A in this class at Smith College found that over 91% said this was their favorite academic subject, imagine that! Whether this is your first class in this subject or you're already a well-versed guru, we're confident that you will find this class and this textbook both informative and entertaining.
You probably recognize the woman in the picture to the left, but even if you're slightly unfamiliar with her, by the end of reading this entire textbook, you'll feel like you know her personally! She was a pioneer in this field. She was the first woman of color to be globally recognized for her contributions, and she received a plethora of awards and honors throughout her lifetime. She was truly a hero and an inspiration, and her legacy continues to evolve to this day.
But don't think that she's the only person you'll meet on this incredible journey. Our textbook is filled with the tales and triumphs of dozens of other fascinating individuals who spent most of their lives hunched over a book in a small, stuffy office in an overfunded department of an overrated university, just like we know you aspire to do as well one day. Yeah, the work can be a little mundane at times, or rather unbearably mundane all the time. But if you talk it up like we have here, play your cards right, and brownnose and bribe the right people, you can find yourself a nice, cushy, lucrative, tenured position in the never-ending cycle of education for the purpose of education.
Condition of this textbook
The condition of this textbook will vary greatly depending on what level of education you're currently in. Let's break it down.
High school
If you're in high school, this textbook is at least a decade old and might even be older than you. There will be a three-digit number written in Sharpie on the inside left cover, and your teacher will keep a master list of who has which book in his or her desk. The syllabus you'll be given stipulates that you'll be fined at the end of the year if you don't turn the same exact book back in, but that never actually happens. If you lose your book, just go grab another and change the list during lunch one day. The whole master list thing is just another way for teachers to try to dominate the classroom. High school teachers suffer from a superiority complex, much like cops, DMV employees, and Alec Baldwin.
Many of your esteemed predecessors will have added to and enhanced this textbook over the years. They've mainly done this by adding deep and stimulating art to the margins in the form of flip books, penis drawings, and bodily fluids. If you're lucky, it's just a little saliva, but anything is possible. We invite you to please make your own contributions as the year progresses.
University
If you're studying at a university, then fasten your seatbelt, sit back, and enjoy the ride, because you're on a luxurious, first class trip to knowledge! This textbook cost you about $899. If you're wondering why one of the several textbooks you're required to purchase every semester set you back as much as your Xbox and PlayStation combined, it's because you've got the brand-spanking-new rerelease of the ninth edition of the self-awarded textbook originally published during the Reagan administration. As your professor can attest, we've changed the colors in the graphs back to the green and yellow scheme from the fourth edition, added two Obama quotes, and capitalized and italicized the titles of each chapter. The italics really capture our forward-thinking progressivism, and the color change was obviously the greatest and most necessary thing we've ever done. If you're thinking of selling this textbook back to the bookstore when the class ends, make sure you do so before you take your final, because we'll already have a juicy new contract to exclusively sell another new edition by then.
In conclusion
We hope you've enjoyed this insightful look at what this magnificent textbook has to offer. We're sure by now you must be as excited to read this textbook as we were to cash your check. And should you ultimately decide that this subject is not what you want to pursue in the long term, if you actually read this whole chapter, then by now you must have realized what we've known for years: if you can mash away mindlessly at a keyboard, you can make money.
