UnBestiary:Politicians

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A politician smiling just before it mauls a dozen innocent citizens

The Politician is two-legged, anthropomorphic creature occurring naturally in most democracies. Originally genetically engineered as a big “screw you” to King George III, politicians have since overrun and taken control of most of the free world. Politicians are considered an invasive species for two reasons: they have no natural predators and nobody likes them.

How To Identify A Politician

You can easily identify a politician using an easy two-step test.

1. Is the animal a clean, well-dressed male between the ages of 40 and 70?

2. Is the animal making obvious attempts to pretend it gives a shit about your life?

If you answered “yes” to either of the above questions, you almost certainly have a politician on your hands. Run away as fast as you can before it tells you about its revolutionary new “health care initiative” and tries to drag you to a “polling place.”

General Information About Politicians

Politicians appear similar to humans but lack the cranial capacity of the Americans, the humility of the French, and the integrity of most corporate leaders. They feed on votes, and will do anything to attain them: campaign, buy ads, bribe government officials, or attack opponents viciously with their razor sharp claws. Politicians’ main uses include being the butt of countless jokes in this article and on Uncyclopedia in general.

Types of Politicians In America

There are hundreds of types of politicians across the world. Tall ones, fat ones, British ones, female ones (Ha ha! Just kidding!). But perhaps no country has as much of a problem with politicians as America, where, anyone with a hundred million dollars, a great fake smile, white skin, a penis, and some friends in the polling places can be president. Here are some of the most common types to look out for:

Good Old Boy Southernus conservitalus

It’s had a cushy political career so far. It inherited a large fortune from its father, who got it from a combination of old fashioned Christian values and the vicious slaughter of anything in its way. It has a beautiful wife and three lovely cubs, and its sexual scandal has been nicely hidden from the public view. Now the governor of an ex-slave state, it wants your vote to make America an upstanding, moral country, just like it was fifty years ago. Don’t take it too seriously: all it really wants is your heart, on a platter. Cash donations are also acceptable.

Scumbag Insiderus sleaziati

Infests the streets of most major cities, preying on the weak, the vulnerable, and the Undecided voter. It sometimes chooses to use its enormous fake smile to get your vote, and if this doesn’t work, it will resort to its razor-sharp claws or three inch-long fangs. Still no? No sweat- a quick call to its old friend Jerry at the local polling place will make sure your vote “accidentally” winds up in the wrong ballot box.

Outsider Fakialus smilori

Don’t let the innocent look in its face or its $400 haircut fool you. It may claim that it was the runt of the litter, grew up poor, and had to work its way up in the world, but this story is most likely bull shit. Either this political noob is just an insider looking for a new angle, or, worse, it really does know nothing about politics, which rarely ends well. Remember Jimmy Carter?

Hillary Clinton Pure evil

She is the Empress of all evil. From her secret lair in Mordor, she plots world domination. 270 electoral votes are all she needs to unleash a wave of destruction the likes of which have never been seen before. Her vast Armies of the Dead march off to do her bidding as you read this. Who knows what unspeakable acts they will commit?

Honest Politician Honestus politicianus

All right, you’ve caught us. Ha ha! We have you going there for a minute, though.

How To Exterminate Politians

Politicians are highly resilient creatures. Their tough hides can withstand everything from a sexual scandal to a nuclear blast. Most methods of killing politicians involve using fire and holy water. Besides this, converting your country to a military dictatorship will effectively kill all politicians within your borders, as they are deprived of their necessary sustenance of votes. The United States, which once had the largest politician problem in the world, has begun to take steps in this direction, to eradicate politicians once and for all. Sadly, however, many countries in Africa and other poor regions have recently adapted democratic governments, causing many politicians to move there from dying democracies.

End the Politician Problem Once and For All!

Let’s face it, today’s elected officials aren’t doing everything they could to end the gross overpopulation of politicians in today’s world. They sit and take bribes while the people suffer from ever-increasing politician-related problems. You, the citizen of (insert name of country/state/Canada) deserve better. So, when Election Day rolls around, make the smart choice and vote for me, James Peters. Not only do I have more experience than my opponent, I have a three-step plan to exterminate all politicians by 2020.

Now get out there and vote.