Umbrella Jab Dance

Lady Margaret Thatcher was reigning Umbrella Jab Dance Champion of Mediocre Britain before she was sentenced to eleven years of high office

An Umbrella Jab Dance is one of the four major schools of modern dance in Mediocre Britain today (along with the Charleston, the Funky Chicken, and the Vomit In The Pub Toilet After Five Pints).

History

The Umbrella Jab Dance has its roots in the Austro-Hungarian folk tradition, primary exponents being the cult of Franz Ferdinand, but it reached its highest expression in the 1970s in Great Britain. The undisputed master of the UJD is John Cleese; it is, admittedly, less well-known than his epic Ring Cycle of Silly Walks, but is much appreciated by the cognoscenti. His remarkably prehensile lower limbs showed the way forward towards a far greater range of possible umbrella thrusts achievable without severe groinal trauma.

Many of his techniques were later reprised by music-hall showman Aphex Twin, in the cinematographic reel accompanying his ode to comparison shopping, Windowlicker.

Main Techniques

Masters of the UJD have three major techniques;

• the It's A Bit Parky Out, I'll Take A Brolly
• the Phallic Substitution
• the Georgi Markov

The latter is classified as a Weapon of Mass Destruction, particularly if the bearer is also carrying Tilda Rice - unless, of course, it is being performed on Condoleeza. It is commonly accepted that there are clear parallels in many of these with Morrissey Dancing: in particular, the Umbrella Jab is well-known to act as a profound aphrodisiac for women of a certain age, and great care should be taken during May not to cause unnecessary inflammation.

Equipment

True masters scorn the folding umbrella; it must be long, and pointy, and black. The umbrella, however, can be any colour.