Mavis Beacon Teaches Typing
Mavis Beacon Teaches Typing is a computer program designed to teach little children how to type faster on the keyboard. This is accomplished by listening to a slutty whore named Mavis Beacon bitch at you when you press the wrong key or go too slow during a lesson.
Occasionally you are allowed to play one of several equally mind-numbing minigames, each of them involving you typing out nonsense words in order to do something completely useless in the game. For instance, typing the word eat in the middle of the car racing game makes your car go. There has been much criticism of this program by flustered driver's ed instructors who are having to deal with kids whipping out their laptops while driving on the highway and expecting the car to follow the road when they type "bread lord piss fire hood wanker". Mavis Beacon Teaches Typing has been unofficially linked to at least 100 automobile-related accidents in the United States. Figures are estimated to be at least triple that in Canada, but nobody cares about them, so it's all good.
Success![edit | edit source]
One of the major successes of Beacon is that it appeals equally to girls and boys. Namely, Beacon is equally loathed by the two sexes. School board officials are quick to point out that typing is one of the most necessary life skills for both genders, ranking just ahead of math and just behind sex ed.
Indeed, this seems to be one of the only cases in recorded history where somebody with the words "board of education" in their title isn't full of shit. Studies have proven that typing is indeed of paramount importance to the careers of young Americans. Boys aspiring to become competent in the global jobs market will need to learn to type up the weekly business records making sure that company jobs are being sent over to China in a timely fashion. Typing is important for women too, because in today's modern workplaces, secretaries are actually expected to write up documents in between fetching coffee for their bosses and having sex with them in exchange for not getting fired. Out of all comparable programs in its price range, Mavis Beacon Teaches Typing is the most effective solution available. Several lucky keyboarding instructors have reported getting an entire class set for under $5 at the local Crap 'b Us software outlet bargain bin. And of course, you can't argue with the results.
User testimony[edit | edit source]
Here are what some of the end users of Mavis Beacon Teaches Typing have to say about this product:
“I have been a dedicated Halo player for six years now but after a while I decided that killing people seemed too much like school. When I first heard about this brilliant computer game I almost couldn’t believe this type of coding was possible being a programmer almost at a professional level. (I do the real .NET stuff not lifehacker for people who don’t even call themselves programmers.) But when I realised this was true I was very exited and its so cool and it made me aa reel geek coz my girlfriend dumped me.”
Also by Mavis Beacon[edit | edit source]
It seems that a Mavis Beacon craze is sweeping the entire planet. In response to the successes of Mavis Beacon Teaches Typing, Broderbund, the publishers of Beacon, are planning several new additions to the Mavis Beacon Teaches "family". These include:
- Mavis Beacon Teaches Sex Ed
- Mavis Beacon Teaches a Brief History of the Development of Human Religious Practices and Their Influences on the Development of the Social, Political, Economic, and Military Structures of the Modern Civilizations
- Mavis Beacon Teaches Absolutely Nothing
- Mavis Beacon Teaches Funeral Manners
- Mavis Beacon Teaches Thermonuclear Wartime Ethics
- Mavis Beacon Teaches Stereotyping
- Mavis Beacon Teaches Do-it-yourself Brain Surgery
- Mavis Beacon lerns you how ta speek'n'spel (Very popular in Southern US states)
- Mavis Beacon Teaches Presidency for Fucking Retarded Texan Governors
Due to popular demand, the rights to the computer-generated Mavis Beacon herself has been leased to Playboy Magazine.
Interesting fact, in the fundamentalist home-school edition of Mavis Beacon Teaches Typing, Carrie Underwood replaces Beacon as your virtual instructor. Critics say the switch is counterproductive, as Carrie is statistically far more likely to start young Christian boys beating their meat, thus damning them to the fiery depths of Hell equally as fast as taking orders from black people.